How do you feel?

[DenizESC]

Or... just tell the truth no one really carrs, though I don't really understand every culture.

The truth would maybe be a little too much, just imagine:

'Hi so I don't want to attend the party because you guys are all quite old and not really interesting. : )
I hope you don't mind xoxo'

 

[DenizESC]

I quit work recently but I wish I worked with middle aged women tbh where I was working there were only late teens r twenty somethings and they all wanted me fired and were super annoying ofc not ALL but basically all...

Especially one girl was 'tutoring' me and she kept telling me how awful I was doing and that I had a terrible attitude blah blah whenever she did something wrong she was like: omg what did you do! XD glad I'm done with that.

Never had great working experiences tbh except for when I was in my mid teens, I worked at a KFC, that was pretty cool lol as everyone had the IDC attitude there but I barely got paid so yea it is not win/win

 

[Leydan]

I quit work recently but I wish I worked with middle aged women tbh where I was working there were only late teens r twenty somethings and they all wanted me fired and were super annoying ofc not ALL but basically all...

Especially one girl was 'tutoring' me and she kept telling me how awful I was doing and that I had a terrible attitude blah blah whenever she did something wrong she was like: omg what did you do! XD glad I'm done with that.

Never had great working experiences tbh except for when I was in my mid teens, I worked at a KFC, that was pretty cool lol as everyone had the IDC attitude there but I barely got paid so yea it is not win/win

Idk, for me it's the opposite. The middle aged women are super bitchy and cliquey, they all tell each other everything and clearly have an inner circle. When I walk in a room they often stop talking, which annoys the hell out of me. The younger ones are the more mature ones who think the bitchy cliquey attitude is ridiculous. They're not all bad, as a few older women not in the clique I get along with super great and are nice, but generally from my experience older women can be more bitter and bitchy and after a while it starts to become tiring.

 

[DenizESC]

Idk, for me it's the opposite. The middle aged women are super bitchy and cliquey, they all tell each other everything and clearly have an inner circle. When I walk in a room they often stop talking, which annoys the hell out of me. The younger ones are the more mature ones who think the bitchy cliquey attitude is ridiculous. They're not all bad, as a few older women not in the clique I get along with super great and are nice, but generally from my experience older women can be more bitter and bitchy and after a while it starts to become tiring.

I think I can indeed see that happen, I also had some nice co-workers and I never worked with middle aged women so I can't compare and maybe it is indeed much worse.

Actually now that you say it a friend of mine had a very mean middle aged female co-worker and I remember him telling me every day of what a bitch she was

Personally I have not had any experienced though but I believe y'all

 

[Fierro]

In my case they HATE to work with men in one room. Thankfully I work remotely from my home (that's why they're nice to me ), I usually communicate with them by phone and e-mail. One guy joined the department with me in September but he worked RIGHT THERE. Was fired in a month. I'm lucky because we have two youngest coworkers (both 28) and most of questions i'm resolving only with them, without the rest. As for the majority, they are in their 40-55 I think - this is middle-aged women pantheon, they all constantly plotting against each other and periodically send reports about their coworkers to the department director (btw she's also 50+ woman) yet publicily pretend they are all friendly.

 

[Leydan]

Gosh that sounds about right. The ones have plotted successfully twice to remove members of staff they don't like. I'm just too important to get rid off. If they're like that then they probably don't want you to go and invited only to include everyone. Just say you can't go, you're busy. They don't sound like pleasant people to be around anyway

 

[RainyWoods]

It's not a nice feeling when you stumble upon someone talking about you behind your back, especially when what they've said was done publicly somewhere that you don't frequent (and that I obviously wasn't suppose to see). I've had a really bad couple of months. There's been some nightmarish moments I can look back and laugh at (like my toilet breaking twice), and other events that haven't been so funny, but just generally i've been feeling crummy, tired and now very pensive, and hurting kind of bad just over everything in general.

All I can say is that i've always been an honest person, and being honest I often think is all i've got as a person. Sincerity is important to me and it's a trait I always look for in others (in whatever I consume actually: art, music, cinema etc). So when someone calls you "fake", it's just about the worst thing they can say. It's also laughable though. Reading stuff that was written about me did hit me hard but it was anger I felt more than anything. Despite all my troubles and flaws as a person, what you get from me is always me, and so even if i'm writing giant posts, saying some dumb, overused catchphrase like "oh my gosh iconic" or complimenting something or someone, it's because I want to. It's in my nature. You don't give to receive. You give because giving is good and making people smile or laugh can be worth a lot to the person. If being friendly, or going in depth when writing posts on the only online community I care about and enjoy contributing to is brainwashing and being fake then gosh. I guess i've been doing things wrong.

I'm going to go quiet here probably for a few months. I need to accept help. It's going to be hard for me because admitting you have a problem and seeking a hand is so difficult. More than anything. I just want to be seen as someone normal but i'm not. I never will be and that's fine. I've just got to find out how I can start living with this unusual person that I am, and embrace all the dodgy quirks and not to fear presenting myself to other people. I do an ok job of it here. I want so bad to find a way out of this black hole I fell down. I'm scared about what's outside the hole but what kind of life am I living right now? It's no life. All through these years i've been scared of things, and think of every possible situation that could possibly happen from any given circumstance I may find myself in. Having this kind of mindset is such a curse. Torture actually. It locks me away from people. Trying to find my path whilst unmedicated perhaps was my mistake because I haven't been able to control anything myself. But then even if I don't take medication, avoiding therapy for instance.. what good has that done me?

I wasn't upset when I started writing this post. More pissed off actually. Sorry for this ramble. I try to be as careful here as possible, and the last thing I ever want to do is put my troubles onto the minds of others. I'm extremely to myself which is why writing things about my life here occasionally these past few months has been a weird experience. I hope one day soon I can return here and tell you some positive news. It's going to be difficult because there are so many tangles in this web I need to escape from, but i've got to do it. I owe it to my family and more importantly, myself. This isn't a sympathy seeking post. This is a i'm going to go and do the f@$k something about my life and i'll tell you about it soon post. Also a middle finger up to the idea of me being fake post. Some people can brush off bitchy comments. Others wage all-out war. Me, I just write a wall of text like an insane person

 

[Ausesken]

[MENTION=9441]RainyWoods[/MENTION] I relate SO MUCH to you in this post... In the last months I've thought I was driving mad, and probably I was right. I want to believe that being aware of it means that we are not completely crazy (I am clearly stressed so I don't want to be too harsh on me), that we have a solution XD. I think I found this solution, which now takes time to be effective.
As for people talking behind your back, unfortunately I also understand you 100%. I haven't been called fake, but I know people have been talking about me, and not to say beautiful things precisely, mainly to laugh at me (behind my back). It's funny because the real fake people are the ones that talk behind your back, not you.
I hope you have a lot to tell us when you are more active again in the forum

 

[DenizESC]

Kai, if you are fake then we are plastic.

We will be waiting here for your return, you will be stronger then ever and to the haters I can only say: don't waste your time even thinking of them... Much love and positive vibes send to you

 

[lavieenrose]

Kai, it's fucking incensing that anyone would say you were being insincere. But it's especially so after reading that. It took so much to share that & even more to face yourself & commit to healing as you have. I admire the fuck out of you for this and so, so much more. Genuinely.

 

[Eulaliya]

Oh dear Kai I've always thought therefore I am, but sometimes it cannot be when people said anything negative about others behind their backs.
My prayers go out to your well-being as you face a few months without us good friends, even if it means sacrificing some of your time off WV and the entire forum. But always think of the good memories while recovering

I hope you'll return to us with a sound mind just in time for the ESC 2019 season

 

[mauve]

Dear Kai, I have been on this forum a lot lately, but not in this thread because I myself have a lot to go thru lately and I didn't want to ramble about my problems. Wanted to sort them out myself as well. I hope that you will find a good way for yourself. Much love to you from us all and we'll be waiting for your return!

 

[RainyWoods]

You people are too kind. Thank you all for your very nice words. They mean a lot.

Usually I feel really awkward after i've posted something here, and think to myself "did I really need to write all that?", but for the first time I don't feel that way. If I didn't write that post it would have just been floating around in my head for days, or longer even. Feels good to release it.

Rainywoods I relate SO MUCH to you in this post... In the last months I've thought I was driving mad, and probably I was right. I want to believe that being aware of it means that we are not completely crazy (I am clearly stressed so I don't want to be too harsh on me), that we have a solution XD. I think I found this solution, which now takes time to be effective.
As for people talking behind your back, unfortunately I also understand you 100%. I haven't been called fake, but I know people have been talking about me, and not to say beautiful things precisely, mainly to laugh at me (behind my back). It's funny because the real fake people are the ones that talk behind your back, not you.
I hope you have a lot to tell us when you are more active again in the forum

The part of your message I put in bold is so true. People need to slow down and analyze themselves before being mean-spirited towards others. It reminds me actually of my school years and being bullied by people throughout them. There was this boy in particular there who would constantly pick on my appearance, call me gay and other slurs before I even knew what my sexuality was, and this tormenting was from a guy who brought OK magazine to book reading hour and hanged out with all the mean girls during lunch breaks, gossiping. I wouldn't be surprised today if he was a drag queen that went by the name of Stacy Layne Matthews (cause he literally was the spitting image of her). My skin is much thicker today but the audacity of some people can still hit a nerve with me. If I had a time machine I would have done things very differently during my teens. I wouldn't have cowered from situations and people. But when you're young and innocent, and impressionable, still being molded into the person you're going to be.... that stuff damages you. It can take a while to find that self acceptance. I think i've found that now (at least I certainly know who I am) but I still have this strong fear of judgement. Cause look what happens. Even if i'm not hurt, i'm angry, and this side of me that I don't like showing comes out. As I said before, some people can just brush things off, but I always take things on a very personal level. I'm a feely person and everything whether good or bad I take to heart. It's both a blessing and a curse.


I hope things go great for you as well Olga. You deserve happiness too. Everyone here does. Let's go get it! 2019 is the new year of years.

 

[Ausesken]

[MENTION=9441]RainyWoods[/MENTION] you know? Not many people have the ability of introspection, and to me it’s something really necessary. Looking at yourself, analyzing your personality, thinking about your virtues and faults. I am someone that constantly analyzes what I say and do, that’s why it’s so easy for me to apologize. I wish everybody could be a bit more introspective...we would respect each other much more. I think you are an introspective person, Kai, so nobody knows you better than yourself (it seems obvious but many people don’t know themselves actually), and if you are satisfied with who you are that’s enough.
I am realising that I can’t let my bitch side free. A part of me wanted to do something bad against someone that never had any remorse to be a stupid with me, but the other part of me felt bad for it. I’m not made to be a bitch, and I have to accept it...although it means they will hurt me much more easily.

 

[Leydan]

Gosh I just saw this, we spoke about it earlier Rainy and I said a bit then but we can't let bitter stupid words of some irrelevant idiot ruin our moods and our state of minds. The people doing it clearly lack any real sense of meaning in their lives, and it speaks of their own personal character that they so publically run their mouth to a crowd, but in a place they knew you very likely wouldn't see - therefore, they wouldn't get caught out and when they do get caught, go dead silent on the issue. People are powerful behind a keyboard. They fact that you weren't the only one who got shit talked from this part proves the point further. Really I feel nothing but pity and sympathy for them that their lives are so devoid. Sadly on the internet you need to grow a thick skin and let it bounce of you, even if the words do still sting. You're absolutely a stronger person than you give yourself credit and those people have absolutely no impact on your life.

 

[Avalon]

stupid words of some irrelevant idiot

Just saying that this is not the right way, since you are lowkey doing the same thing right now.

OT: However, Rainywoods, we don't really know each other, but take care!

 

[RainyWoods]

Perfect occasion for a The Room gif Tag yourselves. I'm obviously Tommy Wiseau having an emotional moment.

[MENTION=9441]RainyWoods[/MENTION] you know? Not many people have the ability of introspection, and to me it’s something really necessary. Looking at yourself, analyzing your personality, thinking about your virtues and faults. I am someone that constantly analyzes what I say and do, that’s why it’s so easy for me to apologize. I wish everybody could be a bit more introspective...we would respect each other much more. I think you are an introspective person, Kai, so nobody knows you better than yourself (it seems obvious but many people don’t know themselves actually), and if you are satisfied with who you are that’s enough.
I am realising that I can’t let my bitch side free. A part of me wanted to do something bad against someone that never had any remorse to be a stupid with me, but the other part of me felt bad for it. I’m not made to be a bitch, and I have to accept it...although it means they will hurt me much more easily.

I was meaning to respond to your initial comment here about you wanting to enter bitch mode, and try to ease you away from that path. Being mean or whatever back to people is something that's easy to do, and we have strong reasons, but generally it's not worth it. That doesn't mean though that you should take bad treatment from anyone. And it doesn't mean you always have to be nice to people that have hurt you and still are causing you pain. They've got to know how they've made you feel. I think you're a person who's kind by nature, Olga, but not everyone deserves that kindness. At the same time it's not a good move to randomly dish negative things out as like a "revenge" act, if that makes any sense? I don't know your situation though, so it's hard for me to say. I'm only going by what i've read from you here. Just don't let other people change who you are. My earlier experiences in life shaped me, but I tried my hardest to make those negative experiences into positive character building ones. I have so many reasons to be walking around with multiple chips on my shoulder, but my chips are very few and I always try and use logic in any given situation.

You're right probably about the introspective thing. I too am always quick to apologize, even if it's for small things. Nobody is perfect. I know i'm certainly not. I think that knowing yourself helps you in having a better understanding of others. I'm good with feelings and understanding them. I get that from your posts here as well, Olga. We're similar in that way.

Gosh I just saw this, we spoke about it earlier Rainy and I said a bit then but we can't let bitter stupid words of some irrelevant idiot ruin our moods and our state of minds. The people doing it clearly lack any real sense of meaning in their lives, and it speaks of their own personal character that they so publically run their mouth to a crowd, but in a place they knew you very likely wouldn't see - therefore, they wouldn't get caught out and when they do get caught, go dead silent on the issue. People are powerful behind a keyboard. They fact that you weren't the only one who got shit talked from this part proves the point further. Really I feel nothing but pity and sympathy for them that their lives are so devoid. Sadly on the internet you need to grow a thick skin and let it bounce of you, even if the words do still sting. You're absolutely a stronger person than you give yourself credit and those people have absolutely no impact on your life.

Yeah, that is the thing. It's all behind a keyboard which you'd think actually would make it an easier thing, you know.. to respond to the person you've been vocal about having an issue with when you're being confronted by them, but apparently not. To me that speaks volumes. It's a reaction that loud and most certainly clearly tells me that it's just not worth the effort that would be required on my end in trying to sort out any problem that might be there. As soon as I noticed my posts were being given the silent treatment it made me smile. I knew exactly what I was dealing with. I've got bigger fish to fry quite simply, and they're much tastier and beneficial fish too. I think you're right as well. I wouldn't be here still if I didn't have strength within me. I've got some of that stuff for sure. We shouldn't let trivial things bother us. I won't. I'm over it now and i'm lowkey delighted i've got some new comedy material from the experience. Commencing months of brainwash© related jokes.

Just saying that this is not the right way, since you are lowkey doing the same thing right now.

OT: However, Rainywoods, we don't really know each other, but take care!

Thank you You're the big Pingu fan aren't you? Forever bless Pingu. I was actually watching random episodes on youtube the other day, having a nostalgia trip. That episode where Robby hurts his flipper changed my childhood forever.

I've got to say I understand Ashley's reaction though. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't thinking those things myself and actually much worse when I first saw the stuff that had been written. The fact it was impossible to pick up any kind of personal response I think adds further fuel. I doubt I would have gone as ham here if I actually had gotten a response to my questions. If you're going to attack someones character at least then have the courage and decency to face that person head on when confronted. That would have been nice, but it's ok.



Anyway, i'm done. I'm pooped. Too much time wasted thinking and writing about something I don't need to care about. Sorry for the crazy ramble posts, but thanks again for giving me some ears that were up for listening. Sometimes it's all we need really. It helps.

 

[Leydan]

Just saying that this is not the right way, since you are lowkey doing the same thing right now.

OT: However, Rainywoods, we don't really know each other, but take care!

Guess you are right, two wrongs don't make a right. Also hello! You should speak more outside the NSC thread.

 

[BernadetteCydonia]

Really wish you the best of coping with all this Rainy. You got all that it takes to do so. You can cope. We believe in you.

Perfect occasion for a The Room gif Tag yourselves. I'm obviously Tommy Wiseau having an emotional moment.

I'm the red balloon

 

[ShoeFlo]

It's not a nice feeling when you stumble upon someone talking about you behind your back, especially when what they've said was done publicly somewhere that you don't frequent (and that I obviously wasn't suppose to see). I've had a really bad couple of months. There's been some nightmarish moments I can look back and laugh at (like my toilet breaking twice), and other events that haven't been so funny, but just generally i've been feeling crummy, tired and now very pensive, and hurting kind of bad just over everything in general.

All I can say is that i've always been an honest person, and being honest I often think is all i've got as a person. Sincerity is important to me and it's a trait I always look for in others (in whatever I consume actually: art, music, cinema etc). So when someone calls you "fake", it's just about the worst thing they can say. It's also laughable though. Reading stuff that was written about me did hit me hard but it was anger I felt more than anything. Despite all my troubles and flaws as a person, what you get from me is always me, and so even if i'm writing giant posts, saying some dumb, overused catchphrase like "oh my gosh iconic" or complimenting something or someone, it's because I want to. It's in my nature. You don't give to receive. You give because giving is good and making people smile or laugh can be worth a lot to the person. If being friendly, or going in depth when writing posts on the only online community I care about and enjoy contributing to is brainwashing and being fake then gosh. I guess i've been doing things wrong.

I'm going to go quiet here probably for a few months. I need to accept help. It's going to be hard for me because admitting you have a problem and seeking a hand is so difficult. More than anything. I just want to be seen as someone normal but i'm not. I never will be and that's fine. I've just got to find out how I can start living with this unusual person that I am, and embrace all the dodgy quirks and not to fear presenting myself to other people. I do an ok job of it here. I want so bad to find a way out of this black hole I fell down. I'm scared about what's outside the hole but what kind of life am I living right now? It's no life. All through these years i've been scared of things, and think of every possible situation that could possibly happen from any given circumstance I may find myself in. Having this kind of mindset is such a curse. Torture actually. It locks me away from people. Trying to find my path whilst unmedicated perhaps was my mistake because I haven't been able to control anything myself. But then even if I don't take medication, avoiding therapy for instance.. what good has that done me?

I wasn't upset when I started writing this post. More pissed off actually. Sorry for this ramble. I try to be as careful here as possible, and the last thing I ever want to do is put my troubles onto the minds of others. I'm extremely to myself which is why writing things about my life here occasionally these past few months has been a weird experience. I hope one day soon I can return here and tell you some positive news. It's going to be difficult because there are so many tangles in this web I need to escape from, but i've got to do it. I owe it to my family and more importantly, myself. This isn't a sympathy seeking post. This is a i'm going to go and do the f@$k something about my life and i'll tell you about it soon post. Also a middle finger up to the idea of me being fake post. Some people can brush off bitchy comments. Others wage all-out war. Me, I just write a wall of text like an insane person

Everything has been said already and I struggle to write profound and encouraging texts in English language, still I wanna leave some words here to demonstrate how I care about you.

Please dont be too harsh to yourself. Look at the support youve been receiving here in this thread. Youve always been "You" and never acted differently and most people appreciate it cause just being yourself is actually brave. There are people who act unnaturally just to impress others or to desperately become friends with some. Other dont even know who they are and are still looking for their own identity. You know who you are and you expresss like this. And you dont allow anybody to change you so I think you are a strong personality. Please listen to my words as I am a person who used to have inferiotiy complex, thinking I am irrelevant and a "nobody". When I think of you there are thousand things come up to my mind that shape your personality. Your passionate and colorful graphics in your WV hosting, the typical Kai sound one can hear in your WV entries. Your special and deep interpretation of Crisalide in the ESC karaoke spin-off three years ago, no idea, what makes me thinking of this right now. You are an artist. People are inspired by artists.

I dont know who is the person that stabbed you in the back, I just hope you dont become bitter or start to bear grudges. You contribute a lot to the forum and youve been friendly to everybody and youve got a fine sense of humour. I think you are a person people like to have around themselves and no idiot user should be able to turn you into a bitter person. Thats not worth it. People who talk shit about somebody else just need it to vent their negative feeling caused by the failures of the own life. They blame somebody else for their own frustrations. Frustrated people tend to construct enemies. Dont wanna mix politics in here, but this is also the reason why right-wing parties are doing well cause they are simplifying problems by blaming a certain group of people for everything what is going wrong - and many people are receptive for this kind of "logic"

Always remember. If there is a weighting scale andyou put your friends on the one side of the scale and your enemies on the other side, the friends side will go down cause it's much more heavier

You wrote you dont wanna put your trouble into the mind of others. I think it is the wrong way to look at it. I think if people share the problems to each other they feel better cause they know they are not alone and people who went through tough times are often willing to assist others so after all everybody can benefit from those relationsships. Thats the idea (Wiseau quote not intended) of supports groups.

Realistically I probably cant help you with your problems in real life. But I, and the other people in this thread can be "safe havens" that care about you whenever youve got setbacks. We keep trying to help you to go on and to face the challenges with confidence. You say you have "no life". I disagree, although I dont have enough informations about your daily life. But lets say you dont have a life... Who doesnt have anything, has nothing to lose either, right?

I wish you a good and healing break and I hope our nice words help you in your upcoming challanges.