I don't know how to write this. If I should write it at all even but this place is full of people that I care about a lot, and I've always felt that love was mutual, and so things sometimes feel easier and more natural to share here even when they're this raw, and I hope writing can ease this pain a bit. I've just lost my cat, Weeny. I cradled him and hugged him tight praying that he'd come back to me, but he's gone.
I was just tucking down, this was after having stayed up 24 hours, as I'd woken up at midnight on Sunday after having taken a diazepam tablet as I had experienced a mini panic attack (that's another story). My mum called me about a couple of hours ago. Told me to come quick, that she thought Weeny had experienced a fit or heart attack, seizure, we didn't know. I arrived in her room and there he was, eyes open, staring blankly ahead. I went to scoop him up and his little head just flopped back. We held him, we squeezed him. We pressed his chest. Everything we did was in vain. We've rested him on top of a bean bag and I gently wrapped him up warm with a blanket, allowing there to be space for his beautiful head to poke through.
I don't know what to do. In real life I struggle with people and cats have always been my escape. We found Weeny in a drain back in 2014 and rescued him. It was the time when Valentina Monetta was singing at Eurovision with Maybe. Originally I called him Valentino but no one else in my house seemed keen on the name for some reason, so over time it changed to Weeny. There was something special about Weeny. Never had I had a cat as affectionate or loving before in my life. I raised him from a kitten and he wouldn't leave my side for those whole six years. He'd speak to us too. You could have full blown conversations with him pretty much. We'd look into each others eyes (he'd have this glint) and I always knew when he was about to start nattering. I'd go "WEENY" in one of those really silly super high pitched crazy pet person voices and his meows back literally sounded like a "yesss". We could go back and forth like that for minutes before he'd snuggle down with me. He adored massages and loved giving you them back. He'd gently knead your stomach whilst giving you the most loving gaze, purring away happily for hours besides you.
I've had the worst year of my life and my cats, Weeny especially were bright lights. When I thought I couldn't do this whole thing anymore, they were never far away to just do their cat things with me, turning me in the process to mush, when at times without them all I could see was this pitch black darkness. When I'm with them my worries, my stresses, my pains, the depression, for those moments it all vanishes. Weeny was my best boy and I loved him so much, the same way I'd love a family member or close friend. It somehow went even deeper though cause of my social anxiety issues. Having him in my life, it really did save me. I always said he was a blessing.
I'm in shock right now. He was taken so suddenly. He was only six. About nine years back I lost my first cat, Puss. He was a grand old stray who'd scratch you to pieces if you weren't careful but I loved him dearly. When he was dying I spent the whole night lying on the hard floor with my arm around him, trying to bring him comfort as he left this world. I never got that chance with Weeny. I gave him all my love throughout those years and for all I know he could have died in pain, and I wasn't there. It's devastating. My heart has never been so broken. This year has been unbearable. I don't know what to do anymore. Even when I find small moments of happiness, something like this happens. It's torture in my head. I loved Weeny so much.
I had the same experience in mid-August when I came back from my seaside holiday. It took around 2 weeks to get back to normal. Only me and my cousin experienced symptoms and I was legit worried it was Corona lol. This year is a non-stop rollercoaster.
It better not have spoiled your Turkish holiday moment too much. Get lots of rest now if you're able to.
I'm feeling much better today actually but the cough still lingers. 
