Coming out of the closet.

[Canuck]

Hey guys,

I don't know how else to word this, but....

I'm coming out of the closet. Not gay, but bi.

Congratulations, you guys are the first in the world to know the secret that I've kept pent up inside of me for the entirety of my life.

That being said, I've been thinking more and more about coming out of the closet, what it entails, etc etc, and I've been having doubts about how people will accept me. I know everything will be alright, and from all the reading I've done, it would be psychologically beneficial to me. Its getting harder and harder to live a lie every day.

Also equally as psychologically drowning, I've avoided relationships throughout my university career. I was in a long-term relationship with my high school girlfriend, and we broke up a month into my first year of university. Fast forward to today, and I've been in one other relationship which lasted only a month, and I'm in my fourth year. I've always wanted to try to date a male but am afraid of the ridicule I will receive by my peers.

Another thing is that I'm not a particularly flamboyant person, nor do I have many friends who are gay (only one who I could think of). I don't want to be thrown into a stereotype that doesn't fit me ("gays are flamboyant/feminine") (Disclaimer: don't mean to offend anyone with the stereotype -- this is all kind of new territory here - writing this is a huge step for me). Nor can I see imagine actively engaging myself in the gay community such as gay pride parades, etc (but Eurovision is my gay cliché that I allow myself ). The fact is that I really enjoy where I am in the world, and I'm just worried that coming out will turn that world upside down.

I'm worried about being considered lowly by my family. My ancestors date back hundreds of years in French Québec, a place which, was once upon a time, a considerably conservative place with huge families. My Mom's side is especially huge - she was the last of 11 children - and many of her siblings (my aunts and uncles) are conservative-leaning. I think I would be the first in my mom's side to come out. My Dad's side, I'm not so worried about... one of my uncles has been out for like 20 years so that road is pretty smooth.

Anyway, I was wondering if any of you guys were up for sharing your coming out stories (I know they are personal, so you don't have to if you don't want) or any do's & don'ts or general advice. I know that several members of the forum here are openly gay, and that why I'm hoping for some guidance from you guys!

Anyway, thanks for your help and advice guys. I appreciate it.

- Norm

 

[Interrail]

Hey Norm, don't worry
I know u're worried about being considered 'lowly' by family and friends...etc...but u really shouldn't be worried. Especially if u live alone as an independent person...u're on your own and u decide about your life. If u think some family members have issues with this...u don't have to tell them...right now. Or ever. Or u can.
I can say I didn't came out to my whole family (only to my brother and sister) and it wasn't a problem at all.
When I was in high school I was afraid to tell my friends, but now I can't imagine my friends don't know it. I think now all my friends (8 or 9 of them know that I'm out of closet) they were all fine with it.
Also, I can say my life didn't change at all when I came out to these 10 closest ppl, everything is same. So, I guess u can be totally relaxed...and not worrying, your life will not turn up side down. For the beginning u can came out only to 1 parent (if u find it necessary..dunno...it's personal choice). For example, I never came out to my mother, but I'm sure she knows.

 

[Liam]

Congrats on coming out on here Norm! As you know, I am perfectly accepting of your sexuality and in all this time I've known, I've not treated you one little bit differently And I'm just a normal person like everyone else, so I know for sure, unless anyone has a problem with it (in which case, screw them), 99% of the world will love you the same too! This is a huge step of course which everyone can commend, and perhaps even look up to you for those stuck in a similar situation. You're a brave guy and to show the courage and pride you've just show shows big things coming your way (I just realised how inappropriate and sexual that sounds in your position But we can laugh about that ) I wish you the best of luck in the future, and even though there will be bad days and people you just can't deal with, it's those which will make you stronger as a person!!! Once again, congrats and good luck

 

[94ayd]

I would've never guessed it was you when I was told there was a coming-out-of-the-closet event happening on the forum. Well, you should feel lucky you live in Canada, where same-sex marriage is allowed (not sure about adopting), so if you fall for a male that hard, it wouldn't be that hard for you to have the normal life, you've always had.

 

[Liam]

I would've never guessed it was you when I was told there was a coming-out-of-the-closet event happening on the forum. Well, you should feel lucky you live in Canada, where same-sex marriage is allowed (not sure about adopting), so if you fall for a male that hard, it wouldn't be that hard for you to have the normal life, you've always had.

I didn't say anything to anyone So whoever you heard that about was probably about someone else, not Norm I don't know who else he told - but just to clear that up!

 

[94ayd]

Why did you think it was you who told me about Norm?

 

[sannerz]

I'm out to all my friends, but I'm not yet out to my family.
See, I'm of the thought process that if someone is happier not being out, then they don't have to come out of the closet. It's not lying, it's just not telling everything about yourself. When people say you "have to come out", to be that's like saying you have to tell all your sex fetishes and preferences. Why should anyone one care who you have sexual relations with unless they are in fact interested, y'know?
But aside from my little rant, if the friends you have are truly friends, they won't care.
I'm not a feminine acting guy, in fact the gay scene annoys me. I'm not a clubber, and you will never see me at a gay pride parade, not because I'm ashamed of myself, but because the stereotypical gay guy is not who I associate with. Coming out will NOT turn your world around if you don't want it to. The friends that aren't comfortable with it, they'll either learn to deal, or you just stop hanging with them. I've only had a hangup with ONE friend because of it, who I stopped talking to, and I live in the South in the US. So, I think you'll be fine. Just because you're gay, or bi, doesn't mean you're gonna be thrown into that stereotype, you are what you make of yourself and people see that. There are a lot more normal gay guys, it's just that the flamers are muuuch louder.

 

[AlekS]

I never hid that I'm into boys that's why I never had to "come out"

Also "coming out" always seemed unneccessary to me... it's like making the whole show/manifest over the fact of who you are.
Everybody knew and I never felt such need, everything was natural. I never flirted with guys but guys flirted with me (including bi guys :twisted: ), hugged me on public, grabbed my ass etc. I never experienced agressive attitude, people didn't care and I didn't care about their preferences.
If people asked me (I also had a lot of girls who were interested in me) I answered that I'm gay, but I never jumped at everyone "look! I'm gay! I'm so cool " :?

Gossip used to spread with 546642312 gadzillion miles per hour speed so in the end even my school teachers or uni professors knew. I even had friendship with some teachers... it's about how human you are, not about with whom you sleep. If it's vice versa then you don't need such friends.

 

[Israeliboy]

Congrats The best thing in life is doing what you feel is the best for you! Enjoy your real life!

 

[MyHeartIsYours]

I think you're rather brave to write it down on here, so all I can say is that I wouldnt get hung up over coming out, whenever you choose to do it you'll be like, why did I worry so much about it?!

I came out to all my friends about 2 years ago now when I was 16/17, I remember before telling the first person I was so scared... during high school, even if I hadnt had been confused about who I was, I would never have come out because the sad fact is that there was bullying, gossiping and the likes associated with gay people then. However, at sixth form, everything changed and once I told the first few people (I actually came out as bisexual first because that's what I thought I was then), I finally relaxed about it and after a couple of months everybody knew and it was much better that way. I could talk openly with everyone about stuff like relationships, etc, whereas beforehand, I would have had to sorta hush up at anything like that. Also it's not nice having to pretend you're something that you're not for long periods of time, it messes with your head. As for your friends, say that some of them dont accept you for being bisexual then really, can they be described as friends? Not imo. In the first place, your sexuality isnt anything to do with anybody else and second of all, if they are true friends, then they will support you through the difficult time, not make it harder. And Im not saying that you wont get jokes, I get them all the time, but I find it funny myself and know that it's nothing malicious.
As for family, I would think more carefully about coming out as it is not so easy and I reckon it takes a lot more to come out to say your parents than say your best friends. I've still not come out to my parents yet, I dont know why cuz I think they'll be fine about it, but I will say that Im pretty nervous to do it, in fact very nervous. 12 October is National Coming Out Day here, so I will maybe consider doing it then . I came out to my cousin who Im very close to at Christmas last year and he was totally accepting of me. I havent actually told him, but that really meant so much to me.

I dislike the whole thing of gay culture, gay pride, etc too. I find it very isolating and it significantly stops the progress of gay rights, in the UK anyway. Straight people do not like to see such things and I can understand them - it tarnishes all gay men with the same brush - promiscuity, drugs, unable to commit etc. Im not proud to be gay, there isnt anything to be proud of. Im just who I am and Im proud of myself as a person, just as I would be if I was straight. I am not feminine acting either, although I dont think that it is fair to criticise people who do act in such a way because they cannot help the way they act, that is to do with their genetics and the way they have been brought up.

I most recently came out last Thursday to my new Uni friends. I dont ever find it gets easy telling people the first time, but once you have, you can relax sooo much more! Just do it whenever the time feels right for you .

 

[Mackan]

Ok, guys. Being gay and telling everyone is not always the "Hallelujah" moment everyone tells you about. I would like to discuss more about being gay and when things go wrong! Because it happened once that when I told I was gay it didn't go that very well. Although that is just 1 out of 94271391 persons kind of.

I was going to tell my dad when I was 16 years old that I am gay. He couldn't accept it and told me "It is only a phase you are going through.". He said that he still loves me but he didn't support me in this. You have to understand that my dad only has me as his child and he has probably imagined a future with me getting married with a woman, getting children so he can become a grandpa. A loving parent is also scared of their children getting through difficulties and the society is not always good to us. That is not something a parent would want to experience. So my dad still loves me, we live like we did before but I will have to convince him one day that I am gay.

After that I told my dad about me being gay, I didn't feel that "Hallelujah" moment everyone been talking about. I asked a good friend who also is gay about it and he said "It will not feel that good right after you said it, it will take some time before you feel that.". But I guess that feeling only exists if it goes well.

My mum on the other hand didn't react really, she probably just found it interesting that I'm gay. But she already has a straight daughter and she is grandma.

And if your family is religious, you may have it even harder than a lot of other people telling your family you are gay. My muslim friend for example, his mother found out about it somehow and she yelled "I have no son longer". So he was scared of being kicked out, but they talked and her mum absolutely love him but telling his father is not an option, maybe I should say they come from Iraq.

But I should also tell you about my other friend who grew up in a catholic religious family. His grandma started to cry but everything worked out alright, it was just because his grandma were afraid of that he was going to be hated by his family from Brazil. On the other hand, his father were like just saying "Ok" and didn't care really much more about it. They were last summer in Bosnia and he told his grandparents and cousins he was gay, they didn't care.

But I should tell you about what I've done. I've been holding hands with a guy for a long walk in the middle of the day, at the night. I had picnic with a man no one looked, just my neighbour who walked by and he is gay. I kissed a man in a neighbourhood were people wear burqas and no one looked, yelled or anything. But yes, I lived in a city where people are open minded in general.

I have friends who are muslim who accepts me, friends that were just like "Ok" and then started to talk about something else.

So what were all this about? I just wanted to say everything is not good about coming out but we do have a lot of support from others. What is good about coming out? You will get mentally stronger actually.

 

[Sean]

Good on you for coming out Norm My best friend came out as bi last weekend (having known him for 11 years) and it hasn't phased me in the slightest Some people may have problems with it but in today's society you shouldn't worry about it. I don't get it myself, it's like coming out about your music taste or whatever...

 

[seb89]

Every coming out is different of course. It's very brave of you to say it out loud here and I can imagine you are scared telling about it to your friends & family and you should only do so if you feel really ready. Like Mackan, I didn't get that 'hallelujah' feeling either, but it's different for every person I guess. I wouldn't be so afraid for your mother’s reaction: mothers love their children no matter what or who you are. It will be shock of course, but they'll accept it.

The first person I told about was my mother, she didn't mind it at all, she stills loves me and our bond is as strong or even stronger as before. She was a little bit sad and worried though, cause I'm her only child, so the chances of her having grand-children is pretty low. I haven't told my father (my parents are divorced) personally, but he knows it. I don't care if he approves it or not, we don't have an emotional band or what so ever. Often when I visit him, he likes to make fun of me in a way: "Oh where is your boyfriend" or more inappropriate suggestions in front of complete strangers, but I ain't bothered. Not everyone in my family knows it, but even though my family (myself included) are raised catholic, they are open-minded. My grandma is really religious and I haven’t told her yet, but I know for sure, she wouldn’t disapprove or even make a fuzz about it. Even though she’s 86 years old, she’s pretty modern! So you can be surprised how religious/conservative people can be so open-minded .

Some of my close friends know it, but not all my ‘friends’, I don't feel the need to say it to everyone, it’s a private matter imo. The ones who know it, still love me and they respect me. Saying you’re gay, bi or whatever doesn't make you another person. Real friends will appreciate you for your honesty, will understand you and accept you no matter what. People/friends who’ll consider you lowly after your coming-out, don’t even deserve your love, respect & friendship .

 

[Canuck]

Thanks for your input guys, and especially for not sugar-coating some of your experiences. It's great that I know so many others who have gone through the same thing as me.

A question for you guys: who were you most worried about telling & how did you deal with it? For me, it's my Mom. I know that sounds crazy, but honestly I just feel like I would let her down so much, even though she told me she would still love me for whatever I became, no matter what. I guess it's because my mom has gone through a lot in her life, and I don't want her to think she 'messed up' on me when she was raising me, even though it makes no real sense. But when is the right time to tell her? I've come so close to saying it in the past but I feel like the timing has been wrong. Is there even a 'right time'?

 

[MyHeartIsYours]

I am most worried about telling my parents even though I know they would both, especially my Mum, accept me for who I am totally. I dunno, I just have never felt comfortable talking about sex/sexuality things with family and I guess that's why Im dragging my heels with this. You should be less worried though because you are from a large family, I am an only child and the other side of family is also very small, and therefore I do have the responsibility and duty for things like to carry on the family line, etc. They have not said I have to, nor have they ever put pressure on me to have like children in the future, but I feel I have that responsibility myself. I still intend to have children even though Im gay, but obviously it becomes more difficult and my chances of being a father are less.
I have similarly been very close to saying it several times over the last couple of years but I havent felt able to, so I've just left it. I dont think it will ever be comfortable but there should be a time when it becomes slightly easier and Im waiting for then, maybe when I feel settled down, or when I next have a relationship, etc. Also, perhaps consider like writing it down to her, say text her or tell her online, or something. I always find that that is much easier to do than saying stuff face-to-face.

 

[seb89]

For me, it was my mom too I was worried the most, she was also the first. What you say, isn't stupid at all. I felt the same, I was afraid of letting her down (I’m only child too), even though somehow I knew she would accept it no matter what. It's normal that you are worried, but she isn't gonna take back those lovely words she already said to you . Like yours, my mom has has gone through a lot in her life and is still going through, but it turned all out very well. She did think she has done something wrong though, but of course that isn’t true. For me personnally, she was the most important person in my life and she stood and supported me all the time, I don't know how to thank her, cause nothing will be enough to thank her for what she has done for me.

Of course you shouldn't expect her to be extremely happy and jump around and it may take some time to get used to it.

I don't know if there is a ‘right time’. Mine was during one of our biggest fights, it wasn’t planned at all, and eventually we ended up both crying and finally she guessed it somehow, cause I didn't say anything besides 'I need to say something , I hope I won’t disappoint you', then I didn’t say much so she guessed. First she was guessing I murdered or raped someone, so she was actually relieved it was only sexual orientation-matter, she even added ‘like I didn’t know that, I thought you did something bad’.

 

[Yamarus]

My own experience with coming out is pretty positive. I came out to my parents first, and the reaction was one of short-lived surprise followed by a slow but natural period of adaptation.
With my close friends, it went very smoothly until the day I felt comfortable enough that I didn't need to "come out" anymore, it was only natural. It has become pretty much of a non-issue now.

 

[doctormalisimo]

This thread deserves an award or something. Such a brave thing to write. I've had a couple of friends come out to me, and after the initial shock of finding out someone's gay after years of knowing them wears off, I've found that my relationship with the person becomes a lot easier because I know they're happier. And it's pretty cool having a gay friend, because of all the innuendo jokes you get to make
I do think it's sad though, that in 2011, "closeted" people still feel scared about coming out. Society should be at a stage where it is accepting of all people, but as we know there is a minority out there who oppose all things gay. In an ideal world, coming out shouldnt be a fanfare or a chore.

 

[sannerz]

I was at a friend's party, and her little sister was there, asking whether or not people liked "Boys or Girls". She was fine with every single answer, and really accepting. Then when her own sister asked the little girl if she liked "boys or girls", she said "I don't know yet. I'll turn out later!". It was hilariously adorable, and she was under the impression(and still is), that EVERYONE has to come out whether they like girls or boys at a certain age, whether or not they're straight or gay. We all found it cute. Kids are really accepting, and I wish all adults could be as mature about it as kids are.

 

[nikolay_BG]

I never hid that I'm into boys that's why I never had to "come out"

Also "coming out" always seemed unneccessary to me... it's like making the whole show/manifest over the fact of who you are.
Everybody knew and I never felt such need, everything was natural. I never flirted with guys but guys flirted with me (including bi guys :twisted: ), hugged me on public, grabbed my ass etc. I never experienced agressive attitude, people didn't care and I didn't care about their preferences.
If people asked me (I also had a lot of girls who were interested in me) I answered that I'm gay, but I never jumped at everyone "look! I'm gay! I'm so cool " :?

Gossip used to spread with 546642312 gadzillion miles per hour speed so in the end even my school teachers or uni professors knew. I even had friendship with some teachers... it's about how human you are, not about with whom you sleep. If it's vice versa then you don't need such friends.

I kinda agree with what you said...
This "comming out" things are kinda pointless for me.
Be who you are, that`s the most important thing