ハリトウのトピック: ＮＳＣ ２３２ 🌸💃🌸

[berlyda]

Re: Halito's Topic: NSC 137 ~ Di Nigunim - Fascist Degradation

NSC 136

Me tbh

https://soundcloud.com/dan-berlyne/topelegy-1

 

[berlyda]

Re: Halito's Topic: NSC 135 ~ Lillix - Sweet Temptation

NSC 137

 

[berlyda]

Re: Bigger and bigger and thicker and thicker delight, I need to find the light

NSC 138

https://vimeo.com/176138856

Lyrics:

You make me so wet
I'm always getting what I want
I've been waiting for you in the cave
You say I've been so bad
Maybe I should spank you baby
Anyway, you're gonna be my slave

Heaven and hell's gonna turn over topsy-turvy
I know you wanna give it to me
Deeper and deeper and faster and faster delight
Your body is mine tonight

Don't let me down
Don't let me down
'Cause our love is gone away
Don't let me down
Don't let me down
'Cause our love is gone away
Ah hold me tight

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

I know you're a leg man
You look so dumb right now
You can only wait with earnest
You should stay in the cage
This relationship never change
Always watching you like a scientist

So would you give head and give me good till I say stop
When I feel down, to bring me up
Bigger and bigger and thicker and thicker delight
I need to find the light

Don't let me down
Don't let me down
'Cause our love is gone away
Don't let me down
Don't let me down
'Cause our love is gone away
Ah hold me tight

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

I don't wanna waste my time
I don't wanna waste my time
I just wanna say
I gotta say
I gotta say
Scream

Don't let me down

Don't let me down
Don't let me down
'Cause our love is gone away
Don't let me down
Don't let me down
'Cause our love is gone away

Don't let me down
Don't let me down
'Cause our love is gone away
Don't let me down
Don't let me down
'Cause our love is gone away
Ah hold me tight

Don't let me down

 

[berlyda]

Re: Halito's Topic: Thank you NSC for being so great over the years. I'm not withdrawing, but I have something important to say.

This is going to be a bit of a mega-post. First of all, let me reveal my oh-so-relevant entry for NSC 139:

NSC 139

Never have I identified so strongly with the lyrics of a song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hO9qTXrXoe8

If you listened to the lyrics, you might see where I'm going with this. If you didn't, allow me to elucidate...

I have struggled with social anxiety disorder for a long time (I don't like calling it a disorder, but that's what it is). I've had breakdowns, breakthroughs, times where I felt I was at breaking point. It's been a journey. That journey is far from over, and I will probably be climbing this mountain for the rest of my life. But life has been improving a lot since I moved to New York, to the point where I'm able to write this post.

I have never felt comfortable telling people what goes on inside my head, for fear of judgement. Very often I am weak, I am vulnerable, I am scared, and in my mind I am a broken man. I do whatever it takes to appear a strong, normal, healthy man in the minds of everyone else. So I bottled up my emotions and kept these thoughts to myself. That wasn't healthy, and I had a total breakdown a few years ago. I then started bottling my emotion up in inkwells instead, letting it spill forth in the form of poetry and prose whenever I could feel myself reaching breaking point. That has worked better, but I feel I need to move on to the next step now, and work on dispensing with the bottles entirely.

So I welcome you to the grand opening of the carnival of my mind. Entry is free, but try to be respectful to the creatures that live here. You NSCers are the lucky ones to get the first tickets to this show, because honestly I am still afraid to say this to anyone I know in real life, and this is a very supportive community.

To kick off, here's a short piece I wrote about what it's like living with an anxiety disorder:

"Fear and Trembling"

As his eyes flutter open he groans, rolls over, and pulls them tightly shut again. It’s 7:00, too early to wake up.

He’s been trying to adjust his sleep pattern to match the late-night antics of his friends, and, more importantly, of a girl.

But it’s no use. The stomach cramps have started. There would be no hope of falling asleep again now, no matter how tired he were. Six hours will have to do.

Reluctantly he gets out of bed and heads to the bathroom to take care of his now-urgent morning duty. He wants to throw up too, but he knows from past experience it’s not a good idea. Give it some time, and the nausea will pass. He sits in bed and scrolls through Facebook for the next half hour.

This has been his routine for the past few mornings. The more romantically inclined may call it lovesickness, but the ugly reality is anxiety. This is a practice he has grown accustomed to, and he knows that it is not love, but rather the fear of being in unfamiliar territory. Today that territory just happens to be a girl he likes, and, more pertinently, who likes him. He grimaces and wonders whether he can ever be in a relationship.

Anxiety is something he has grown to begrudgingly tolerate, and through changes in diet and a year of therapy, it has become possible to lead a relatively normal life, with one glaring exception: love.

A pervasive sense of hopeless loneliness washes over his body as he recalls the handful of occasions on which he has managed to summon the courage to tackle this hurdle. Of the few first dates he has been on, each one has been a test of endurance, and although he always manages to see them through to a natural conclusion, the state of panic in which he leaves and the exhaustion thereafter can be described as anything but.

Perhaps the largest roadblock to overcoming his condition is its invisibility. After all, the label of anxiety carries with it a stigma and conveys a sense of vulnerability of which a man is taught to feel ashamed. If it can be hidden, then he can retain his pride and masquerade as this man that society dictates he must be.

He still never tells people the reason for his avoidance of gluten, and is always careful to mask his internal anguish as his stomach revolts upon invasion by alcohol. It is not a widely known fact that anxiety can have such physical effects, but it should not be a surprise that the digestive system is unable to properly function when it is infested with butterflies.

He still never tells people that he is afraid to ask a question that he does not already know the answer to, or that he is often so smothered by his own paranoid thoughts that he is incapable of engaging in proper conversation. Instead he smiles, nods, grunts and laughs, hoping that it will encourage others to keep talking while he desperately grasps for something to say.

He still never tells people that he has never been in a relationship, despite it being what he wants more than anything, because it is also what he fears more than anything.

But he is already late for work, and as he closes the door behind him, he shuts these thoughts away for another day.

And now, if I haven't scared you off yet, here's some of that poetry I was talking about. I'll start it off light and ramp it up.

"An Ode To Oscar"

To question one’s integrity,
One’s purpose, one’s desires,
Should not be lack of confidence
But something one admires.

"Computer In Love"

Electricity,
No duplicity,
Masturbate to logic gates,
Rejoice in its simplicity.

"Sonetto Moderno"

With a flick of the wrist, a sinister swipe,
They know who they won’t be seeing tonight.
Rejection has taken on a new guise,
It hides in the shadows and tells us lies,
It gives us hope that the day will come
When their face will return saying, “You are the one,”
It says to forget, and forget we do,
We forget and forget until out of the blue
Someone who likes me and I like them too!
I ask for a date – no response. Fuck you.
Our souls become calloused from callous denial,
Wary and weary of being beguiled,
Our minds become numb and our ids become strong,
We see faces not people, now Tinder has won.

"Bio - Graphic"

I’m seeking my imperfect match,
I ache to need, to get attached
To a cynical, sarcastic,
Sharp, dry wit
Who doesn’t care that I’m broken,
That we don’t quite fit.

My saccharine sweetness,
My smiling smarm,
My innocuous intentions
That do no harm;
My wont’s not what I want,
I like catches on my catch,
I need the bitters to my whisky,
Need the sour to my patch.

I long to yearn
And I’ve yearned too long,
So let’s fail in love,
Let’s get things wrong.

"The Plunge"

Anxiety’s my propriety,
Standing on the edge of society,
Always watching, observing, never stepping in,
But now I’m in the deep end, struggling to swim.
I want this more than I can say,
But is this fair, would you take me anyway
If I told you all my fears, my painful wretched slew;
It’s worth it for me, but is it worth it for you?

"In Vulnerability"

What is it about you that makes me want to tell you
All my deepest fears,
All my darkest secrets,
All my damning flaws?
I want you to tell me it’s ok,
I want you to tell me you’re fucked up too,
So we can fall into each other’s arms,
At once sobbing and smiling,
Perversely happy that we are not alone.

"Lost"

These tears I weep;
Are they for you?
Are they for me?
Is it what you represent?
Is it what I’ll never be?

I need someone,
That’s all I know.
Someone I can love,
Someone to love me,
Someone whose shoulder I can rest my head on
As the tears roll down my face.
I need someone who understands,
Or at least wants to, tries to.

I need someone to hold my hand
And guide me through the deep abyss,
But instead I sit alone in this darkest of chasms,
Looking upwards towards the pinprick of light I’ll never reach,
Held captive by this beacon of hope.

My cheeks wet with forlorn frustration,
I lower my head,
I sink to the ground,
And I stay there,
Broken.
I close my eyes, I try to sleep,
For I know this is the only peace there is right now.
But through the thin veil of my eyelids, I still see the light above,
Taunting me.
And so as I slip in and out of consciousness, my mind races with thoughts of
What could have been,
What has never been,
What could be, if only.
If only…

I'm thinking of making a Tumblr with all of these poems, and releasing it to the world... still not sure if that's a good idea though. Anyway, thanks for listening.

 

[pjelacki]

Re: Halito's Topic: Thank you NSC for being so great over the years. I'm not withdrawing, but I have something important to say.

Reading this I figured I find it to be quite brave from you to post/send self made songs to NSC considering you have SAD. I don't think I'm suffering from SAD myself, but would never dare to do something like that.

Relevant: http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/06/tamin...hare&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=sm_share

 

[berlyda]

Re: Halito's Topic: Thank you NSC for being so great over the years. I'm not withdrawing, but I have something important to say.

Reading this I figured I find it to be quite brave from you to post/send self made songs to NSC considering you have SAD. I don't think I'm suffering from SAD myself, but would never dare to do something like that.

I do stuff like that occasionally to challenge myself. I have fleeting moments of confidence which I try to take advantage of - all it takes is one mouse click to post something online. The actual making of the video/song isn't so bad because no-one else has seen/heard it at that point, and if I wanted to I could delete it all and forget it ever happened. Those videos make me cringe like hell when I watch them though, heh.

Relevant: http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/06/tamin...hare&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=sm_share

Someone else showed me that article when I told them about this a while back haha. I love Wait But Why

 

[Paper7]

Re: Halito's Topic: Thank you NSC for being so great over the years. I'm not withdrawing, but I have something important to say.

I just wanted to say how great it is, that in this community you can post something like that without getting stupid comments on it or comments from people who just give standard answers and wanna show you solutions for your problems... i mean, you have lived with them for such a long time and other people can't tell you new ways for solve them, i hate comments of such a type. And btw: it seems you already made many steps and alltough there may be many to go, you go on, thats great.

I personally interpret the many likes on your posting and the few answers as listening to you, which is often the most helpfull way. A "Like" from me to the community.

 

[berlyda]

Re: Halito's Topic: Thank you NSC for being so great over the years. I'm not withdrawing, but I have something important to say.

Thanks for the comment This community is the best, I completely agree. I got some supportive PMs too, which were much appreciated

 

[EurovisionSmile]

Re: Halito's Topic: Thank you NSC for being so great over the years. I'm not withdrawing, but I have something important to say.

I would like to say that I totally feel you. I've been there and I know how it feels. And it was great you mentioned and shared it. We all have different experiences and many people don't know how it feels to live with permament anxiety, everything, even the smallest things, become big challenges and such a drama is not always understood. I hope things get better as much as possible.

 

[berlyda]

Re: Maccha-Brugia 140: The Return of Akala

NSC 140

After an incredible result last edition, I'm going to honour Maccha-Brugia's memory with a song from my favourite rap artist, back in NSC after a 124-edition hiatus.

27 Shakespeare plays, 16 famous Shakespeare quotes. Flawless.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUCFlzrkclg

 

[berlyda]

Re: Maccha-Brugia 140: The Return of Akala

NSC 141

Recycling, yo.

 

[berlyda]

Re: Halito's Topic: NSC 143

NSC 142

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5soixb2U6xM

 

[berlyda]

Re: Maccha-Brugia 140: The Return of Akala

NSC 143

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mqtvkluOD8

 

[berlyda]

Re: Halito's Topic: NSC 144 ~ Fuckboy

NSC 144

He's tall and he's fit, but I won't fall for it, don't want his hands or his lips coming near me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipVJwQf1jNA

 

[berlyda]

Re: Halito's Topic: NSC 144 ~ Fuckboy

NSC 145

Placeholder

 

[berlyda]

Re: Halito's Topic: NSC 144 ~ Fuckboy

NSC 146

Martial Canterel - Don't Let Me Go

 

[berlyda]

Re: Halito's Topic: NSC 146

NSC 147

Under construction.

 

[berlyda]

Re: Halito's Topic: NSC 144 ~ Fuckboy

NSC 148

(Not my entry)
I'll be back next edition.

 

[berlyda]

Re: Halito's Topic: We are BACK

NSC 149

Under construction.

 

[berlyda]

Re: Halito's Topic: NSC 144 ~ Fuckboy

NSC 150

I'll be honest with you all here. I was going to make my NSC 148 break into a permanent one. But then Salmon left, so I decided to give 149 a shot. But I was paying so little attention that I missed the semi deadline... so I thought maybe I should withdraw after all. But now Kreso goes and leaves too, and we can't have another awesome nation disappearing. Soooo

HALITO IS BACK

WITH AN NF

Let me know which song I should send:

1. Pop

2. Rock

3. Punk