01.
Crystal - Rare is the rtv contestant who reaches the endgame while delivering every millisecond of her screentime. Crystal does it all: hormonal meltdowns, emotional gameplay, ruthless annihillations of season-ruining scum, visual gags (I mean just The Concept of a woman as fit and young as Crystal doing so HORRIBLY in all challenges, of any kind), reaction shots (her reaction to realizing Jacquie is a squirmy panderer
33), hilarious delivery of her many, many epic quotes (just a selection: "I AIN'T CRYING OVER NO DAGONE DANISHES." / "RANDY IS A
TROLL HE IS WREAKING *HAVOC* IN THE
NOBAG TRIBE"/ "THE GAME IS OUTWIT, OUTPLAY -AND YOU CAN'T OUTWIT CRYSTAL COX,
BABY"/ "YOU HAVE MADE MY LIFE *
HELL*, FROM DAY *
ONE*! FORGET'CHU,
GO HOME, GOODBYE!"). Crystal isn't a star in the firnament, she
is the fucking firnament. BRING HER BACK!!!
02.
Randy - There definitely is a racially-tinged undercurrent in Randy's dislike towards G.C. (he refers to him as Crystal's posse
) and his taste in allies is pretty disappointing (The Onions???
Matty???), but these caveats serve as my explanation why Randy isn't ranked first. Randy is in many ways the anti-Corinne: VICIOUSLY confrontal, utterly merciless and spewing unfiltered, alcohol-driven megalomania that pulls zero punches in both vitriol and sarcasm, deliberately adapting his strategy for the sake of our entertainment and his. Randy is a misantropic utopia of a cuntestant and instrumental in developing Sugar, Susie and Crystal (his main sources of foil) as the characters they are. His boot episode is an EPIC grudgematch between himself and Sugar and is possibly one of the ten (five?) best Survivor episodes across all seasons. Oh yeah, and he is bffs with Crystal *AND* Sugar now. HE IS KING. CHEERS.
03.
Dan - Dan Kay was honestly too pure for this world. He just wanted to be loved and accepted and find himself and be a part of the team AND THOSE FUCKING ONIONCUNTS VOTED HIM OFF
having said that however, he also was a huuuuuugely neurotic, snarky, overplaying hormonal mess of a man who just.NEVER.STOPPED.EATING.
33333333 am I making a case that Dan Kay is perhaps the survivor I relate to the most yes I think I might.
04.
Gillian - Gillian -who would have been the first boot on any tribe other than Fang- is an endless source of hilarity and cognitive dissonance. She is a mrs Claus-looking South-African grandmother who blissfully rummages through elephant shit and loudly cheers on her tribe during clear blowout challenge losses (blowouts that she helps facilitate since she is, as Matty said, "a slow-moving human being :-/"
). She is useless in the most obnoxious way possible
Yet barely hidden underneath these "awwwdorable gillybean" layers also lies a RUTHLESS concern troll who gleefully punts Michelle and then tries to mercilessly blindside Kenny next for and I paraphrase
"Not giving it their all and taking away the experiences at their fullest, unlike Gillian". God she would've been an all-time great character had she made it further, but let's be honest it's already a miracle she made it even past ONE tribal council.
05.
Sugar - Luck be a lady of the hour! This season's Defining Player is a petite, plus-sized pin-up model with dimples and pigtails who walks around in a burlap sack and punctuates all of her sentences with a hilariously fake ululating cackle
I personally care very little for Sugar's underdog, "America's Sweetheart" content, like yeah
Her Father Died and
She Cries A Lot, that's pretty cookie-cutter heroic storytelling Been Here, Done That. Sugar the Overdog is a completely different story though because once she reaches a position of surpremacy she becomes RUTHLESS! VINDICTIVE! PETTY! Utterly without mercy! and morphs into a primordial vengeance deity, casting down anyone she deems an asshole with reckless abandon, with zero fucks given for her own game
Randy's boot is a work of art (as is the argument she and Corinne have afterwards which is the
only time anyone calls Corinne out on her godawful personality and it's amaze
), but I will also give her props for completely dismantling Ace and Kenny at their most unbearable before slitting their throats. Gabon was Jessica Kiper's personal fan fiction come to life, and I was living for it.
06.
Susie - A walking conundrum. All of Susie's moments center around her tendency to say hilariously insensitive things about her fellow castmates to their faces, completely oblivious to how she comes across. She cheerfully tells Corinne she is useless at camp and weak in challenge with the same casual panache of a meteorological forecast and it visibly destroys her
She also dismisses Randy as a "sad" person she "feels sorry for" minutes before his humiliating exit (it is surreal to think that *THIS* was the quote that cost her a million dollars. Out of all the things said to and about Randy, it was being called "sad" by a frumpy, mild-mannered latina housewife that hurt him the most). She absolutely cannot help herself and it turns her into a MASSIVE hate sponge for the Onions ("I WILL PLAY BOB'S IDOL TO BOOT THE MOST DIABOLICAL PERSON IN THE FANG ALLIANCE: :dramatic pause: *SUSIE*" is an unironic Randy quote), in whose downfall she's instrumental, booting Marcus and clowning Charlie's earlier "Stupid Survivor!" comment by winning individual immunity in the same episode where he gets auf'd. And yet despite THIS hilarious A+ storyline, Susie only appears in four episodes, one of which is the finale (which is presented as a showcase of her annoying, overbearing, scatter-brained personality
) and if anything this level of invisibility only reinforces her deliciously ironic legacy of a mute townsperson who lost because she just couldn't keep her yap shut
In short, I can't think of ANYONE more worth of being deemed Dlisted's
hot slut of the day than Jesusita Smith. ANGEL.
07.
Paloma - The full one-hundred of this antropomorphic pomsky's airtime is decidated towards blistering hot Ace hate and man, Paloma pulled no stops when it came to that. Jeff: Paloma, could you and Ace ever be like brother and sister? Paloma: "MAYBE. IN
ANOTHER WORLD. A
THOUSAND YEARS FROM NOW. WHEN I'M
DEAD!!!" Amazing and so is the visual gag of Randy and Crystal instantly snagging her off the pole and casually dragging her to the finish line in her final challenge
08.
Kenny - I lowkey expected that watching a living breathing incel such as ~SephirothKen~ anno 2020 would make me dislike him, but the opposite was true! Yes, Kenny is basically Uto and dabbles a bit too much with reducing the women around him to sexual objects... however, said women INCLUDE *literal frumps* Susie and Crystal???? Furthermore, Kenny has an amusing phobia of men bigger and stronger than him (all men), and he compusively aligns himself with emotionally unstable women and takes pleasure in destroying any man he feels threatened by (Ace, Marcus...
Charlie , *
BOB*
). Having said that, his entire "BOB SHOULD HAVE GIVEN ME THE IMMUNITY NECKLACE ALTHOUGH EVERYONE, INCLUDING JEFF, THE VIEWERS AT HOME *
AND* BOB, KNEW HE WOULD BE VOTED OUT UNANIMOUSLY IF HE EVER DID SUCH A THING" shtick that occupies 95% of his endgame airtime is a bottom 1 Gabon storyline not involving Charlie and Marcus, so points docked for that insipid bull.
09.
Kelly - I used to HATE Kelly because I was under the impression she was a cringe-inducingly stupid human but in reality Kelly is merely a vapid, abrasive, snotty random who barely gets along with anyone other than the equally snotty, vapid and abrasive Paloma
. Dunno, occasionally funny stank random, I can get on board with that. Also yeah, like any good Gabon cast member she of course LOATHED Ace and made it hilarious. However, she also loathed Crystal ("Crystal cried at the challenge, so maybe her personality just sucks
"), which isn't nearly as hilarious, so...
10.
Bob - A comically bad winner. Bob's story is barren, from both a personality AND gameplay prespective, so the editors have to contort his winning arc into many uncomfortable angles because there is *zip* to showcase. "ZOMG BOB OWNS IN CHALLENGES!!!", but the challenges themselves are total crapshoots anyone could win. (Susie won two of them.
Susie!). "ZOMG BOB MADE TWO FAKE IDOLS" but the moves he made alongside them almost cost him the game, twice. "ZOMG BOB NEVER GIVES KENNY IMMUNITY" because yeah, Kenny was so transparent in his plans to backstab Bob at the first opportunity even JEFF picked up on it. "ZOMG BOB CAUGHT A TURTLE, NO WAY KOTA LOSE THE IMMUNITY CHALLENGE", I mean Kota are up against the most dysfunctional tribe between Zhan Hu and Matsing, ofc they grind Fang into a pulp? The persistent editorial writhing to make Bob's win / everyone else's loss somewhat palatable is never
unamusing... but also definitely
not interesting.
11.
G.C. - G-Cizzle was deeply out of his depth on Survivor, and I do want to give him major props for recognizing this and peace'ing instead of staying and turning into a self-pitying airtime sponge. His story could've easily been compelling, if the protagonst hadn't been such a dour sadsack :-/
12.
Jacquie - The female counterpart to Marcus Lehman, minus the "
Bad Juror" bits or "
Plot Relevance" bits or "
Well, An Edit, Really" bits, sure you can be yellow.
13.
Charlie - This show aired in 2008. WHY is the token gay cast member still being reduced to bouts of ~literal salivation~ over Earth's Most Average Human Marcus Lehman??? Charlie's HOPELESS straight boy crush is strongly played up by his edit, no doubt, but once Marcus leaves it is CHARLIE who like... suddenly starts refering to him in the past tense all "Marcus never COMPLAINED about survival, he DESERVED to be here :drysob:" like calm DOWN
@Alaska49 he was just voted out of a reality show, he isn't DEAD. It's seriously so pathetic and disappointing, as is his reported silently treatment of Crystal (for those who don't know: Marcus made the other jurors ignore Crystal after she was voted out, treating her like dirt for daring to vote him out. Corinne and Charlie went along with it, despite holding no grudges themselves and Charlie RECOGNIZING how morally represhensible it was - PAFFETIC)
14.
Ace - WHO IS THIS
JACKASS? Ace comes in all "I AM ~A WORLD TRAVELLER~, PLEASE CHECK OUT MY PORTFOLIO OF FAKE ACCENTS THAT QUALIFY MY ROLE AS AN IMPROMPTU BOND VILLAIN" and it is supposed to be epic and compelling, but I am mostly unamused. Ace makes good foil for the many people that -like myself- really dislike his fake-ass persona (ie: everyone that isn't Matty), but I always wonder: WHO is the real "Ace Gordon"? (which I assume is a name as fake as his many accents), I do not know. To me, Ace's defining moment is when one of his
"HA HA HA HA I AM EVILLLL :monocledrop:" confessionals is photobombed by an elephant and he instantly breaks character and becomes likable like it's OKAY TO BE YOURSELF ACE, BEING *YOU* IS GOOD ENOUGH, LOVE YOURSELF!!!
15.
Michelle - Gabon is a very stank, spiteful and mean-spirited season of Survivor and while it's thematically relevant for arguably the most stank, spiteful and mean-spirited person in the cast to be stuck on the stank, spiteful and mean-spirited tribe and then promptly get booted for being, well, stank, spiteful and mean-spirited, Michelle still somehow made it not fun. "UGH FANG SUCK THEY ARE IDIOTS THEY SHOULD'VE PICKED *ME* FIRST IN THE SCHOOLYARD PICK UGH LOSERS" is such back-catalogue bitchiness and Fang weren't having any of it
Congratz girl you got the boot over fucking GILLIAN.
16.
Marcus - Marcus exhudes "White Male Privilege" in both appearance and sprit, so ofc he becomes an INSTANT figure of reverance at Kota, and the Onion conglomerate in particular. They don't even like Marcus as much as a person, compared to how much they idolize the ~Idea Of A Marcus~. However, once separated from his goons, Marcus immediately unravels when he fails to ensnare Susie with his shallow lies and Crystal/Kenny prove immune to his advances (nb: all three of the aforementioned are people of colour with baggage) and they promptly slay him. At the first TC where Marcus was eligible to get votes. HOURS AFTER HE HAD TOSSED AN IMMUNITY IDOL INTO THE OCEAN!!! It's an amusing storyline, ngl! However, once voted out Marcus's true Classist Cunt Colours come out and manifest themselves by forcing Corinne and Charlie to shun Crystal upon her arrival at Ponderosa and a
horrifying jury speech (like, he literally tells Sue that voting out Marcus makes *HER* a bad role model. WHAT???) and the contempt that I have been surpressing for 12 episodes hijack my previous feelings of indifference. Here's a reality check, Marcus: You are
NOT the Kota God,
GOODBYE!
17.
Matty - Matty is a self-righteous martyr, a hypocrite
and a horrible judge of character, but for the most part he just drifts along as a tolerable random (lol his edit is MASSIVE but 95% of it is camplife narration). However, after Corinne leaves, he becomes UNBEARABLY sanctimonious preaching how ~Good Must Prevail~ at the end, ("Good" of course being "Matty and everyone who sides with Matty") and gaslights/concern trolls Sugar ("YOU ARE ONE OF THE EVIL
THREE" shaddap, Matty) until she flips. Of course, when Sugar does the same gaslighting/concern trolling to Matty a mere three days later, she's a VILE BACKSTABBING WHORE ugh why am I still discussing Matty Whitmore he sucks BYE.
18.
Corinne - There's plenty of shit to unpack, so I'll keep it succinct: Corinne is a
hyena. Her main contributions to the show are droning on how ~SUPERIOR~ she and the other Onions are due to their collective White Mediocrity and trashtalking anyone with an even slightly vulnerable personality quirk. Her tryhard "sarcastic" confessionals are seemingly cobbled together from one particularly meh night of Cards-Against-Humanity and barely mask her mundane, fundamentally UNinteresting beta personality. LET IT BE KNOWN that when Susie outs Corinne as useless at camp AND weak in challenges to her face, AT TRIBAL COUNCIL, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, Corinne's first impulse is to
praise Susie and even Jeff has to intervene all "um why don't you want to insult Susie??? SHE JUST INSULTED *
YOU*!!!" It only speaks towards Corinne's true nature: that of a
weak woman.
