Warning: this post contains opinions. Please try to not be offended.
ESCZ 2024 was upon is! Not the first national selection to reveal its songs, but the first one to reach its conclusion, and we’ve reviewed its hopefuls right before the close. On today’s menu, six disgruntled reviewers spewing their unsollicited but frank opinions on the seven Czech entries. Joining us on the critics panel today are:
- Boris Meersman, ready for another season of inflammatory rants.
- David Popescu: a man who knows what he wants and if he doesn’t want it, well good luck reaching a passing grade.
- Emilia “Emma” R, our Serbia and Croatia correspondent who is not here to make friends and genuinely enjoyed this selection, pinky swear.
- James Maude, taking a break between cuba libres for the occasion.
- William Carter, our favourite Advice Andy.
- Yehonatan Cohen, our new and eager reviewer who is definitely not here to boost his faves.
Together, we’ve reviewed, scored, ranted about and ranked the Czech entries for the sole purpose of providing constructive critcism just kidding, we did it for because it’s fun. What else is a review post for? Read it, enjoy it don’t take too much of it at heart. If you want to do all those things, of course. It’s not that deep, and we trust that delegations already know how to maximize their entrant’s potential. We’re just here to provide sideline commentary, which is fun!
Still, we’re forced to go through a few disclaimers, so:
Disclaimer: all opinions expressed in this post are personal and do not represent ESCUnited as an organisation. Nor are they Matt’s opinions. Also, reviewers have been made aware that any comments they do make in this post may flung back them during future interviews. Your words, your responsibility.
And now for the reviews:We’ve ordered every Czech song from least liked to most popular, to keep it as suspenceful as possible. Who did (six writers of) ESCUnited like most, if at all? Let’s find out.
Bringing up the rear of the ranking, we have:
7. Gianna Lei – “Starlet”
After a flawed performance in Prague last week, aspiring singer-songwriter Gianna Lei finds herself at the bottom of the list. This is what we had to say about her song “Starlet”:
Boris – 4
“Even with all the goodwill in the world I cannot give a passing grade. The live was not good and I’m sure Gianna would agree. No need to prolong her agony. I hope she takes the experience at heart, and uses it to grow into the person she’s meant to become”
David – 1
“A very cute song with a cute beat. The song has some catchiness to it, but not so much lyrically. It’s indeed a shame, since Gianna has her sweet charming moments, which lifts the entire thing, but just far from enough. In the end, it’s the whole package that matters, so I would love to hear more from her.”
Emma – 4.5
“Gianna has a sweet voice, but this type of bubblegum pop is not what I’m looking for and will not really find a way into my playlist. Dreamy at times, immature at other times, it’s not exactly memorable. It also remains quite stagnant all throughout the song. It feels like a better fit for JESC, perhaps.”
James – 3
““I thought Gianna was having a bad night in Prague, but in listening to the studio version it appears that the breathy, mumbling vocals are deliberate. Also, there are percussive effects in the song that make it sound like liquor bottles rattling in a crate that drives me up the wall. And I didn’t want to focus on her outfit, but mija! Why you going out dressed like that? It’s almost as bad as Denise Richards’s upside down coat in Real Housewives of Beverly Hills this week. As with a couple other entries for Czechia, this one comes in around 30 seconds short. However, this one is less redeemable.”
William – 3
“The song itself is … fine, nothing extraordinary. Gianna seems like an artist with a lot of potential, but, right now, she seems VERY green and unsteady. The visible nerves and half-hearted choreography in her national final performance are not a great sign. Hopefully this can be a nice launching pad for her career, but sending her to Eurovision, at least right now, would be catastrophic for all involved. She needs more time to grow.”
Yehonatan – 2
“This song does everything I dislike in modern indie pop songs. It’s incredibly repetitive and lacks a serious sense of progress throughout the song, which almost makes it feel robotic. Gianna’s live performance also fell a bit flat, even by ESCZ standards.”
Total score: 18.5/60
Highest Scores: Emma (4.5), Boris (4)
Lowest Scores: David (2), Yehonatan (2)
Final Mark: F (31%)
Tom Sean – “Dopamine Overdose”
Despite the title of his song, our critics did not OD on Dopamine while listening to Tom Sean and he strands in second last place. Here is what they had to say:
Boris – 5
“Okay so, apparently Tom Sean (or “Dungeon” as Adam Misik calls him <3) is half-Irish, but I find his English borderline incomprehensible, what’s up with that? Where in Ireland is he from, Cork? That concludes the amount of interest I’m willing to invest into Dumb Shaw though. Dopamine is the hormone of vague ennui as far as his entry is concerned. “Sweat on your body, sweet as teriyaki” is such I Can Believe It’s Not Barker nonsense that I can sadly make out and forces me mentally block out the rest. Aspire to be better good, maybe? The only thing preventing a lower score are the dancers, whose (deliberately) soulless choreography provides ample entertainment to disctract from the Markus Riva Arse stupidity.”
David – 5
“Catchy dance song and great engagement from Tom as well, having him not only being in control of his vocals, but even able to dance as well along his dancers while singing. The song is a bit slower and gloomy, especially for a dance track, but there is much potential either way. I’m a bit mixed for the moment, but it can only get better.”
Emma – 8.5
“This is how you do electro pop right. The tune is infectious, and it has an addictive quality to it. People often think that a song like this must contain “a moment” in order to stand out – I think that’s a mistake. Its melodic bridge elevates it to right where it needs to be towards the end, making it a nearly full package. Don’t seek more immersive or meaningful lyrics, because we’re not here for that when it comes to Dopamine Overdose, it just works in its own right. I wish the vocals were more prominent, but it will do.”
James – 2
“Worst lyrics of the night go to Tom Sean, whose dull attempt at a club banger doesn’t seem to know what dopamine does and has a cringe incel energy (“sweat on your body, tastes like teriyaki”?!?!). His dance routine comes off as Ben Shapiro inhabiting the body of a young James McAvoy – awkward, out of place and out of time. The composition is something Markus Riva would have binned ten years ago. I don’t know who this song is for or what it is setting out to accomplish, but for the love of God Prague, defenestrate this one.”
William – 4
I won’t lie. This song has been stuck in my head all week. It’s catchy. I’ll give it that. But this looks, sounds, and feels about 20 years out of date. This might have been competitive at Eurovision in, say, 2004, but it’s almost 2024. I don’t see this leaving much of an impression on at-home voters, and jury support for it seems virtually impossible. That being said, I very much appreciate the transcendent, dumb poetry of the lyrics, ‘sweet like teriyaki’. Not even Thomas G:son himself could dream up something so thrillingly absurd.
Yehonatan – 4
““Dopamine Overdose” feels like just another generic pop song, blending in to the background of a selection that has no shortage of these. I wish I had more to say, it would help if the song had some sort of element to set it apart from others but it comes accross as rather forgetable.”
Total score: 28.5/60
Highest Score: Emma (8.5)
Lowest Scores: James (2)
Final Mark: F (47.5%)
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5. AIKO – “Pedestal”
Aiko’s rough live brings down her score, but we had a few positive takeaways from her song. Here’s why we chose to not put her on a pedestal today:
Boris – 5.5
“Easily, hands down the best song in this selection. ‘Pedestal’ is fierce, high octane and memorable, a female-fronted indie rock entry that probably won’t see much contention for a finale ticket in Malmö. I *WANT* to love it. Unfortunately, one must take the live into account which was… yeah. Sure, ESCZ is a low budget affair that takes place inside a sardine tin, and to go first in that is no gift…
But evenso, the fuck was that live?
How does one sing for a living and then run out of breath three seconds into the performance? “Fortunately”, the live isn’t that much of a red flag anyway since both Domi and Vesna were horrific during the entire preshow and then got it together at rehearsals. Performances are easier to fix than songs. Six months should be more than enough time for Ahmad to whip Aiko into a worthy competitor. Too bad I’m only humouring myself for that will never happen. ESCZ uses a format where one lackluster live of a worthy song can eliminate it for good if the fickle fans aren’t on board. Unfortunate, because the potential for a finale is higher with “Pedestal” than any of the other songs.”
David – 2
”Pedestal” is usually the kind of song that indeed would intrigue me, unfortunately I was left with nothing to consider, since it was such a struggle to understand the song lyrically. Far too much shaking and moving, which sadly messed the sound mixing. Indeed, a party on stage, but not for the ears. Aiko has power and engagement, but it’s also important that it doesn’t overshadow the song.”
Emma – 7
“I’m a fan of Aiko from before, so I’m a little bit biased, but objectively speaking, I expected more. I love that this sort of alternative, dark pop is finding its way at least into the national finals, but Pedestal could have given us more. It’s a bouncy track, and while the lyrics are inspirational in the most love-yourself type of way, it just feels a bit dated. Still, I can appreciate the drums and guitars peaking towards the end, as well as Aiko’s wild energy in living through this track”
James – 6
“Lively and bouncy indie with a bit of punk edge. Aiko’s vocals need work live, with her final scream live coming off like a half-barfed yelp. It’s simple – perhaps a little too much – and a little too short. This could use the extra 30 seconds to give us a breakdown or something to recoil and unleash into a more energetic outro. Lyrically, this is straddling a self-worth anthem and something a little darker and more narcissistic. The lack of clarity and the “pedestal” imagery could lead to some unsavory fanboying of this song that can doom it with the normal fans in the televote.”
William – 5.5
“Vocally, this live performance was a bit of a disaster (?), but no one can claim that Aiko suffers from a lack of energy or self-confidence. I’m willing to believe she was having an off night and trust that she could pull the whole package together by May. The song is fun, if a little reminiscent of something Avril Lavigne or some other pop punk princess would have put out ten years ago. This wouldn’t be my choice, but Czechia could do a lot worse”
Yehonatan – 8
“Aiko has been on my wishlist for ESCZ for a while now, so I was thrilled to see her on the list of artists for 2024. Her song, “Pedestal” is a captivating electropop anthem with rock elements that set it apart in a somewhat dull selection. While her live presentation could use some polishing, there is still plenty of time for her to refine her staging and eager vocal presentation for the Eurovision stage.”
Total score: 34/60
Highest Score: Yehonatan (8)
Lowest Score: David (2)
Final Mark: C (56.5%)
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MYDY – “Red flag parade”
MYDY quickly arose as a fan favourite after their energetic performance that took the semi-comatose live audience by complete surprise. On this occasion however, they fall just short of a podium spot. This entry has its weaknesses and we’ve taken our time to compile them across our writeups:
Boris – 7
“The instant MYDY chose the neologism “glamtronic” to describe their music, I knew: these are my kind of people. And sure, after the first four dweebs nearly put us in a coma, they were like manna from heaven. “Red flag parade” is cheerful unhinged nonsense, a clear example of the typical East Bloc Novelty you’d find clogging up the middle board in O Melodie or Dziesma. They were the best on the night. We run into problems though. First is that you shouldn’t be rewarding whoever is the best NOW, but the act that that will be the best in May. What are the growth margins on a “Red Flag Parade”? Try harder? Hope everyone else is boring? Mydy are enjoyable now, but all gimmicks threaten to grow stale at a faster rate than a Trussian head of lettuce. Also, the recent entries “Red flag parade” reminds me of the most of (Eat your Salad and Dance Your Own Party) were flatout rejected by the televote. Trying to keep “Red flag parade” exciting and fresh will be Czechia’s homework with MYDY at the helm of their ship, lest they collide head-first into an iceberg.”
David – 6
“What a teaser, and what a blast this song actually is. MYDY just brings the package and will have you intrigued. Not the best as it was vocally, neither is the song perfect, but they bring so much potential to it all, this is an easy party anthem. Chorus part of the song could’ve had more power as well, but a few improvements could get this VERY far, so it’s a work in progress.”
Emma – 5.5
“It’s interesting that I thought this was going to be a rock song judging by the initial beats, then it turns into a mostly pop song. I would have preferred the other way around. To me, it’s quite repetitive and it doesn’t necessarily go anywhere. I like the way the vocals compliment the track, it’s seamless and otherwise it’s great for an every-day playlist.”
James – 4
“I kind of get where they’re trying to go with this, but they flop due to quite a few execution issues. The “but baby she’s a beep beep beep” vocals are amateurish. The keyboards are cheap and irritating. There’s not much groove to make it a danceable song. The song’s main hook sounds like it was blown out of an elephant’s backend. It’s not as fun as it could be, and in its current state is a little bit cringe.”
William – 6.5
“MYDY definitely had one of the better performances at the national final. Vocally and conceptually, the pieces are all there. So why am I not totally sold? Admittedly, this has grown on me exponentially after each listen. But that’s just it. Despite the clear point of view and attention-grabbing staging, I just don’t think this song will hook people as immediately as it would need to. This could finish last place in a Eurovision semi just as easily as it could finish mid-table in the Grand Final. Is that risk worth it? I’m not sure it’s a risk I would take. Still, this is easily one of the two or three better options”
Yehonatan – 5.5
“The song as it is now has too little going on for me to stand behind it. It heavily relies on some cool catch phrases like “she’s a red flag parade and we’re her marching band”, but that’s pretty much all the song has to offer. A complete production revamp could potentially inject more life to the song that it desparaetly needs, as it sounds like a demo version.”
Total score: 34.5/60
Highest Score: Boris (7)
Lowest Scores: James (4)
Final Mark: C (57%)
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3. Lenny – “Good enough”
Lenny was an early favourite right out of the gate, although the excitement has gone down a bit after the reveal of her song. However, she manages to narrowly edge out MYDY for the third spot on our ranking. Here’s what we thought of her entry “Good enough”.
Boris – 6.5
“Now there’s a form-fitting title. Lenny’s song is good enough to barely win ESCZ on the backs of a favourable jury vote. It’s good enough to (barely) qualify for the final in an average Eurovision semi. It’s good enough for what it is (an introverted ballad). Adequacy is both its name and its game. Better, it can evolve into something more appealing than that if handled with the right amount of care. The concern is getting televotes however, and whether tweaking the staging / arrangement will be sufficient to push what is essentially a welterweight Cornelia into a Grand Final.”
David – 2
“An absolutely stunning voice, easily one of the best. What let’s me down, is just the execution of the song. The build up to the heavy hitting part near the end, just lasts far too long, since I personally would’ve loved more of the heavy instruments, rather than being kept in suspense for nearly the entire song. Overall, I’m just waiting, so it’s just not for me.”
Emma – 6
“The best part of this song are its lyrics. It touches on themes of self-worth and acceptance. Personally I struggle with the ballads, though, so it was just a little too slow for me. Even in the second chorus when the song picks up with a pretty compelling production and instrumentation, it wasn’t exactly for me. However, the message of empowerment and embracing oneself despite societal pressures or personal doubts is always a plus in my book.”
James – 6
““Yes, I am going to be that obnoxious Nu-Metal uncle who shouts about downtuning the guitars. Paired with her raspy vocals and the strings that come in after the second chorus, the song needs a bit more punch. Lyrically, it is also way too simple and repetitive. We’ve heard enough and love and tough rhymed in other songs, and if you go with obvious tropes in your song, don’t clobber your audience to death with them. The lesson for Lenny here is that in order to tell those who don’t think you’re good enough to shut up, you’re going to have to step up in the uniqueness department. This song fails in a couple of regards there.”
William – 6.5
“I love Lenny’s vocal tone. It’s distinct; it’s evocative. She’s got the voice of a sonic storyteller. The song itself is, well … it’s good enough. It’s not as melodically sticky as I would like. I often have a hard time remembering how it goes. But then, any time I hear Lenny’s Cornelia-Jakobsian timber and delivery, I’m transported once again. This generally isn’t the sound I’m looking for out of Czechia, but I wouldn’t be mad to see it competing in Malmö.”
Yehonatan – 8
“So simple yet so impactful. Lenny stands out by presenting the only ballad in the National Final, delivering it gently and purely. This has all the potential to be a huge jury magnet in Eurovision, although, in the televote-only semi-finals, it might not work in its favor. It might not be the safest choice for Czechia but it is a risk worth taking over some of the more generic choices.”
Total score: 35.5/60
Highest Score: Yehonatan (8)
Lowest Score: David (2)
Final Mark: C (59%)
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2. Elly – “The angel’s share”
Courtesy of her good live performance and quirky song, Elly has swanned her way into the silver medal on the ESCUnited ranking. She’s received the angel’s share of praise from our critics, who had this to say for themselves:
Boris – 6
“Yeah, this is just fiiiine. We’ve heard this entry before. It’s Jezinky, it’s Eaea. Always a six out of ten, always a ~presence that is liked~ and always so fucking dead on arrival. Only a jury who takes their time to examine every aspect of each entry could ever favour an offering of this calibre. There’s nothing Elly can do against her nonexistent televote appeal and that will spell her demise here and at Eurovision. Why bother getting attached?”
David – 2
“Elly herself is an angel in person, but the song had nothing for me. I was struggling to search for something that could connect me with the song, and that just means I’m more likely to forget it. Nothing stood properly out, other than her wonderful voice. Despite the nervousness, let this have been an experience, so she can return stronger in the future.”
Emma – 8
“It starts off like a generic ballad, but kicks into action immediately at the hook and remains somewhat intriguing. A little bit cinematic, a little bit atmospheric, emotive vocals. If you’re a fan of the siren-like entries with a bit of electro pop sprinkled all over and moody feelings, this is the song for you. A larger stage with a good vision for a performance could engineer this straight into success.”
James – 8
“Light, ethereal pop such as this usually evaporates once the moment’s over. Appropriate given the song’s name (i.e. the share of an alcoholic beverage that is given to evaporation). However, Elly has a strong enough presence and gives the song power in the chorus to weight it down in one’s memory. Yes, this could do with a revamp – beats that don’t sound so cheap, maybe some strings to give a bit of chill – but should Czechia go for something that your average pop fan would enjoy, they may get some success out of this one.””
William – 7
“I was initially concerned that the disparate quality between ESCZ 2024’s studio cuts and live performances would make choosing a winner very tricky. Fortunately, Elly is getting the gold medal from me for both. The song is immediately catchy. I was singing along to the chorus by the end of my very first listen. The melody builds. Elly’s voice is strong. The staging potential is vast and obvious. Imagine this in an arena. I can already feel the fantasy. Could this be a Top 10 finisher in Malmö? I’m doubtful. But stranger things have happened. If anyone is getting Czechia to the left side of the scoreboard, my money’s on Elly”
Yehonatan – 6
“”The Angel’s Share” is that fan favorite that doesn’t really stand a chance in the national final and will probably end up in OGAE’s second chance contest. The track’s production is noteworthy, creating a haunting atmosphere. However, it comes off as somewhat empty after a second listen. I’d be surprised if it ends up winning, but with Eurofans making up the majority of the votes, it might still have a chance.”
Total score: 36/60
Highest Score: James (8), Emma (8)
Lowest Score: David (1)
Final Mark: C+ (60%)
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1. Tomas Robin – “Out of my mind”
Tomas Robin is the surprise winner of our first round of reviews! Last in the order, but first in our hearts. Well, some of our hearts. And okay, we didn’t like him that much either; But we did have the fewest reservations about Tomas Robin out of everyone, and you can ready the why’s and so’s below:
Boris – 7.5
“Tomas was hailed as “The Rising Star of the Czech Music Scene” last Tuesday, and… I feel like that might be a gross exaggeration? But I do see some potential.. “Out of my mind” is a modern pop number with enough musical variation and polish to be deemed competent. Now that don’t impress me much normally, but Thomas is still inexperienced and precious enough to scream-sing his way into my heart. I *LIKE* raw passionate vocals, and I like them more when they come accompanied by a contemporary electropop track that contrasts them (see also: Justs’ “Heartbeat”). It looks ESCZ 2024 is going to either MYDY or Lenny, but Thomas offers an appealing compromise between heart and head that should turn him into a satisfying NF winner and potential Eurovision finalist.”
David – 6
“A hit for the charts, Tomas being an awesome singer vocally and with a song that just screams radio hit. I do however, wish the song had just as much force, as Tomas’ voice, which could bring the interest further up. It can get a bit lengthy, but nonetheless, an excellent and overall enjoyable tune to enjoy.”
Emma – 9
“I’m a fan of gravelly voices, the grit always adds to any type of song in any genre, and this track is no exception. Thomas sounds incredible going into the chorus. He never goes overboard in the song but does quite enough to remain engaging. The emotion is there, the tune is catchy,the lyrics are solid, especially on the topic of transcending internal struggles and, well, I suppose living authentically, no matter how other people see you. The production on the song is splendid. I think it could do very well in Eurovision.”
James – 4
“His vocal style really grinds my gears. Deliberate mispronouncing of words, even when he is doing his half-scream in the chorus. He does have an intense, almost rocker live energy that someone could work with, but the underlying track is too basic to really allow Tomas to let rip. If he sang in a more conventional, less glottal style, had a less basic track where he could unleash the sentiment of being out of his mind after the second chorus, he’d be on to something here. It’s obvious he has live experience and charisma to connect with an audience. It’s just a duff song.”
William – 6
This is probably the only song of the seven that I preferred in the live performance over the studio cut. As a recorded track, ‘Out of My Mind’ is solid, but a bit anonymous. It’s a decent meal, but it’s a meal I’ve had more flavorful versions of 100 times before . And though the national performance was far from vocally perfect, Tomas’ stage presence and his raspy, unprocessed vocals sold the entire package. With some work, I can see this working. There’s potential here.
Yehonatan – 4.5
“Yet another refined pop song that falls short on distinct character. Tomas’ vocals serve as a redeeming quality, adding a smidge of identity to the song. However, the overall song structure remains somewhat lackluster, a reaccuring pattern in the selection. I have hope for him to return in the future with a more interesting song because I think he can deliver much more than this song allows him to.”
Total score: 37/60
Highest Score: Emma (9), Boris (7.5)
Lowest Scores: James (4)
Final Mark: C+ (61.7%)
That leaves us with the following ranking:
- Tomas Robin – “Out of my mind” (62%)
- Elly – “The Angel’s Share” (61%)
- Lenny – “Good enough” (59%)
- MYDY – “Red flag parade” (57%)
- AIKO – “Pedestal” (56.5%)
- Tom Sean – “Dopamine overdose” (47.5%)
- Gianna Lei – “Starlet” (31%)
There you have it! Our thoughts and reviews on ESCZ2024. We didn’t really like any of them oops. Oh well, on to better things (not Malta).
Gaze upon this pretty chart for a full vote-by-vote breakdown as well as our own ranker’s statistics.
Whether you agree or disagree, remember: It is not too late to alter the course of Czech Eurohistory. You can still vote for your favourite and you can do so until Midnight tomorrow (Monday 11 December at 23:59 CET)! All you need to do is to download your Eurovision app and cast your vote. Check our article for more details here!
Do #YOU disagree with our takes? Do #YOU agree with them? Who do #YOU want to see as the Czech representative in Malmö? And who which country would #YOU like us to review next? Let us know in the comments or on social media. #YOUR feedback is much appreciated.
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