Every year our “Expert” Panel comes together to judge all entries for the Eurovision Song Contest and they’re back to take apart the 2013 entries and rank them accordingly. While their characters and comments may be wacky, the scores are dead serious. All 13 panelists will comment on the song and rank them accordingly giving it points using a scale from five to zero. At the end you’ll also get to cast your vote in the poll. If you would learn more about the panelists and to discuss the show, join us on our Forum HERE

The first country to be reviewed and taken apart is FINLAND. Krista Siegfrids was chosen to represent this Scandinavian country in Malmo with the catchy Pop song “Marry Me”. Let’s find out what they panel has to say about this song and how many points it will receive.

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5 Points

 This is it! Stop everything! Ring Jon Ola Sand and tell him to cancel the contest, we have a winner! How do I know, you ask? Any woman who would bother singing a song to me about wanting to marry me so desperately has to be a winner! Finally, a wife! Someone who clearly won’t mind my awful cooking and terrible hygiene! Douze for Krista! *sniffs* ugh, and ein Dusch for me!

This song is great, nice job Nordic brothers! I know it’s cheesy but I love it, it’s so catchy and addictive! I’m gonna suggest to Princess Madeleine to play this song during her wedding ceremony. You know she is getting married soon with a commoner, don’t you? Even if she doesn’t agree, I’ll order the DJ to play this song, he will obey me of course!

4 Points

This will be my wedding song. It’s fun and easy….just like me. I’m planning on marrying rich though cause I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid. Just like Krista I’ll change my last name, drink coffee with your mother and make the cutest babies. These lyrics speak from my heart, if you still don’t sing along after 1 minute into the song tto this catchy tune, I guess that means I’m smarterer than you.

Eau: Oh, I have something to tell you Liz…! O dear!
Liz: Oh, what is it? Did you try on a the new panty color from Christian Dior?
Eau: No no no… it’s about something else. Something completely else. You know I rarely visit normal supermarkets…they’re too common for me. But this morning I read in the magazine ‘Cuisine Pour L’Upperclass’ that they awared a new tart from one of those supermarkets with 5 golden stars. My curiosity was hard to control, I had to try one of them. So I rushed in my Mercedes… (to be continued)

Why does this remind me of Rockefeller street? If childrenare watching the show, they will absolutely love this because it’s completebubble gum pop! It’s incredibly catchy which will have some appeal even thoughit’s not a musical masterpiece. She can marry me any day, that’s for sure!Queen Bee? Yeah looks like she would rule the roost a little! This performancewill no doubt be full of energy and enthusiasm which could have lots of peopledancing – especially in Malmo! What a crowd pleaser!

I am in proper acquaintanceship with erhm, how do you say it, Katy Perry and this song was one of her rejects that someway somehow flew all the way to Helsinki. Katy Perry, Perry Katy, Krista Perry? It is very catchy and fun to listen to. The first time I heard it in homegirl Katy’s home studio, I liked it and did a duet of it with her. Then, in UMK, boom Krista’s magic. Magic is in the rhythm, in the beat, in the lyrics, in everything. Wunderbar.

Well I have the same dream as this Krista has. I like this songs chorus a lot, even if it is a silly kind of jazz. Why waiting for some guy to marry with, why not come to me Krista so we do it? I think the two of us would together be well fit.

 

 

3 Points – NONE

2 Points

The main problem with this song is that I’ve heard it loads of times from people like Katy Perry and Gwen Stefani. I can’t deny the catchiness of it (to an extent), but it is so unbelievably trashy and the lyrics are about as one dimensional as you can get. The focus on this will always be on the stage show, and for that the song suffers. I can see this squeezing into the final, but beyond that I think It’s success will be severely limited. Finland could have done so much better.

Seriously?! This girl is so desperate to look for a husband that has to scream out loud that she “would do it for me”? I think I will sacrifice myself and take her for wife, only to rid your self of this abominableness!

 

 

1 Point

Ehh? My ear aids must be broken. Did she say she wants to marry me? Do anything for me? If that so I will send her to a naughty girls school untill she learns to behave! And to be taught to sing like that lovely Dutch girl!

 

 

0 Points

This song is a soooo trash and a everythingaa I ate about da musica industry today. It’s a makes me soo ANGRY that my english get a very bad now. My apologies. This song is a soulless. I no understand a anything of the people who enjoy it. Fans of the song are no fans of mine. It is a troll song without the warmth, the heart, da character. I ope this song fails and this kind of music gets purged from a the planet. It’s crap like the prices of Azerbaijan coffee. I sorry, I no usually this angry.

Is this a joke? I was near to fall down from my chair when I heard this for the first time. It’s very crappy, cheap and meh song. It sounds like music in my circus, which is playing during the monkeys showing their tricks to the public. I think this was a cheap attemp of a poor girl to bring something new to her private life. That’s why she’s singing (if we can call it like that of course) “Marry Me”, but I don’t think it would happen in the nearest future after her performance. Young guys must be scared of her energy. Backing singers wearing undefined clothes which makes them looking like stupid dolls. And the dancer women makes impression of madhouse lodgers

If this is your way of taking my money, you can forget about it. Not even if I am your master, and you are my slave. Too cheesy and not even memorable for me. I am not too sure if you are trying to make people to marry you, or make them file restraining orders against you. I really think it is a bad omen to get married on this song.

 

 

 

Current Score: 35

 

Over the last 24 hours you, The Angry mob,  had the chance to cast your votes and decided to give Finland an additional 4 Points.

 

Final Score: 39

 

Since Finland was the first country discussed, we won’t have the ranking available until the second county’s vote have been finalized.