All opinions expressed in this article are those of the person quoted and do not necessarily represent the opinions of the other team members or ESC United as a whole.
After their first non-qualification to the final in 2021, Australia has some work to do to get back to the glory of their first couple of entries. Tonight, it all kicks off on the Gold Coast as 11 acts vie for the right to represent the nation in Turin, Italy at Eurovision 2022.
Our “expert” panel of reviewers from across the globe have turned their playlists up loud and given their honest opinions on who will take the Eurovision – Australia Decides crown. Sharing only the hottest of takes, these reviewers are:
- Tyler Griffith, our Discord legend from the USA
- Roy Postema, our favourite rockstar from The Netherlands
- Boris Meersman, the master of shade from Belgium
- Holly Wulf, our very anxious correspondent from Australia
G-Nat!on – “Bite Me”
Tyler: “”Bite Me” is pretty good! The group singing it has some bite to it, and I think this would be a lot of fun to see on stage. I don’t think this song will set the world on fire though, as the sounds to me aren’t that unique to me. The appreciation for this song would have to come from the performance and if it’s over-the-top and everything. Feels sort of like a mini Hurricane right now, and hopefully the performance stands out and I’ll rate this higher because of it!” 8/10
Roy: “I love how the main beat of the drop is never doing what you expect it to do. This keeps the listener on their toes, not knowing what to expect. I am a bit worried for the live performance and the voice in the pre-chorus is not really my thing. I do think the song is quite enjoyable and I am curious to see how it will do in the competition.” 7/10
Boris: “It might be only because the rest left me fun-deprived but I am LIVING for this Eurodreck anthem. Australia hasn’t offered me much in terms of good umptempo, so yes I will happily take a messy girl group with a trippy r&b song peppered with sex metaphors. <3” 7.5/10
Holly: “Baby Hurricane always serves the choreo without resorting to hairography (sorry Sanja!) so this one’s gonna be huge on stage. It’s infectious, it’s slick, it’s everything I want in a Eurovision song, but sometimes it feels a little manufactured and soulless.” 7/10
Total: 29.5
Average: 7.4
Erica Padilla – “To The Bottom”
Tyler: “For a wildcard entry, I was pleasantly surprised by this, and I hope to see more out of Erica Padilla! “To the Bottom” was pleasant to listen to, and even if it didn’t rock my world that much, I still vibed a lot to this and enjoyed listening to! It feels on par to me with other songs to me (“When I’m With You”, “I Suck at Being Lonely”, etc.), in terms of quality, and yeah, I really didn’t mind this at all. I kinda hope they do the wildcard entry again next year if this works out well!” 7.5/10
Roy: “It isn’t her fault that there was only about 2 weeks to come up with a song… It sounds basic as hell, but at least she gets the chance to shine on national television and show off her vocals!” 4.5/10
Boris: “What an unfortunate title/hook. Darling, you are NEVER out-bottoming Seann or Sheldon in any universe, don’t worry. I honestly expected a fucking TikTok Wildcard to be horrible, but “To the bottom” is actually quite okay. It’s a bit too cliché with its “forced self-empowerment supported by a gospel choir” angle, but it definitely beats out the moody meandering ballads and repulsive narcissism clogging up this year’s AusDecides.” 6/10
Holly: “The TikTok wildcard really proved herself with this one. An impressive vocal and a catchy hook, the instrumental can feel a little thin at times but overall it’s a really fun three minutes.” 7/10
Total: 25
Average: 6.25
Seann Miley Moore – “My Body”
Tyler: “While a body positivity anthem is appreciated in the contest, “My Body” does nothing for me. Yes, block out the haters from making those comments, but also “my body keeps me alive” feels like it’s meant to be deep but reads as so shallow lol. Part of my ire my also come from the fact that I listened to this while watching the visualizer video and saw like, no people who looked bigger than normal, so the message rings hollow to me in at least that one way. I think Seann sings the song well, but the song itself is not good at all? Could be better, but I get more annoyed by the song the more I think about it, so I’m moving on.” 4/10
Roy: This song is just a mess. The transitions make no sense, the lyrics aren’t very good, the chorus is bordering annoying, this just doesn’t work..” 2/10
Boris: “I wasn’t aware this selection had TWO narcissistic theatre gays? Charming. At least this one is openly self-centred I guess. Or is this satire? I’m leaning towards that, actually. “My body” certainly sounds like intro tune for a messy Latin-American telenovela, one where the protagonist is a male stripper turned drag artist discovering his inner beauty and winds up trying out for RuPaul’s, where he is booted first but it’s all okay because “Lewks are Flukes but Inner Beauty Is Like a Rootin’ Tooty, So Fresh, So Fruity”, or whatever insincere mumbo-jumbo Ru tries to appropriate as catchphrases nowadays. As satire “My body” is not nearly witty enough to warrant being so mediocre musically. And if it’s not satire… yikes.” 2/10
Holly: “I can hear what they’re going for, but in a competition against similarly introspective “Not The Same”, these lyrics don’t cut it. They’re bad. Like, really bad. I hope with everything I have that Seann can turn something – anything – out on stage that will make this palatable.” 3/10
Total: 11
Average: 2.75
Charley – “I Suck At Being Lonely”
Tyler: “A competent ballad, that seems to be more complex than I would give it credit for! I like “I Suck at Being Lonely”. The lyrics are good, and I like the idea of a break-up ballad where they don’t want to leave the presence of their lover behind them and stay together. I quite resonate with this, and if the performance is good, this could be a contender. This song doesn’t blow me out of the water though and I don’t love this as much praise as I feel I’ve given it. The staging could make or break this for me, so I’m staying tuned in to see!” 7.5/10
Roy: “I’m not a massive fan of the way she sings this song. It feels like she is just reading something out instead of actually singing a song. It is really unfortunate because I do think that she has a lot of potential for a good song. Overall it is pleasant and far from bad, but there was so much more left in the tank..” 5.5/10
Boris: “Charley hates being lonely, so much that she won’t stop yapping about it. It’s not so bad if you pretend this is some anti-lockdown manifesto, but alas it’s a meandering break-up ballad. As a song it becomes tedious and tiresome very quickly. The first half of this song is an endless drag that numbs me for the resolution in the second half. Do the people on the YouTube really think this is a masterpiece? I suppose when compared to the rest of this selection….” 4/10
Holly: “Beautiful, ethereal, heartwrenching. Charley does an incredible job at welcoming you into the story as soon as she opens her mouth. I don’t know how it will translate as a performance but as a song, it belongs on every radio station right now.” 8/10
Total: 25
Average: 6.25
Andrew Lambrou – “Electrify”
Tyler: “Another instance for me that my appreciation for “Electrify” would need to come more from the performance. I like parts of “Electrify” like making it bilingual and the electropop action in it (and the lyrics video is giving me 80s, which I’m a sucker for). But the chorus takes me out of it and the lyrics aren’t that strong to me. But then the Spanish kicks in and I’m jamming again to it. I think this song has potential to it, I just need to see it live on stage.” 7.5/10
Roy: “I am quite afraid of the live performance of this song. I feel like it might feel a bit flat and empty, but as a studio cut I quite enjoy this song. It is the type of deep-house that wouldn’t be out of place from Meduza’s discography. Perhaps it is a little more simple than their songs, but enjoyable nonetheless.” 6.5/10
Boris: “A fun club banger by a doof-doof-doofus. This wouldn’t sound amiss on the Thursday Evenings at Antwerp’s Red&Blue gay bar or on Tomorrowland, but in Eurovision?? I’m not sure if it’s going to have any impact live, although Andrew apparently thinks the Spanish is such a brilliant addition? “Electrify” already dips way too hard into Sandrofication (remember him? Of course you don’t.) to really stand out musically. It’s a serviceable party song but little else.” 6/10
Holly: “I forget this one exists every time. It’s not bad, it’s actually a pretty decent club banger. Throw it on at the afterparty and I’m gonna be dancing like an idiot. Put it on the Eurovision stage and I’m suddenly no longer interested. Great voice though.” 5/10
Total: 25
Average: 6.25
Sheldon Riley – “Not The Same”
Tyler: “It goes without question that Sheldon is talented with his work in Australia in The Voice and in America with AGT, and while there is lots of emotion behind “Not the Same”, the song feels very much like showing off pipes just to show off to me? Like yes, technically the vocals are great and that’s important for a singing competition (duh), but also, I don’t like this song. I don’t enjoy listening to it, especially with how dramatic it feels, and not dramatic in a fun way to me. It’s quite somber, and that’s just not something I want in Eurovision right now.” 4/10
Roy: “Sheldon got good vocals and showcases it quite well. The issue is the repetitive nature of the chorus. I feel like they could have done a bit more to make that stand out a bit more. Maybe then I would be backing this a bit more for Australia. Right now it definitely is an option, but I think my 2 higher grades would do better and would be more interesting to send.” 7/10
Boris: “Great, I only recently sat though Vasil twice, let’s rip into yet another solipsistic Greatest Showman ballad that’s all “MEEEE!!!! MEEEEE!!!!! MYSELF!!!! I!!!!!”; while offering zero empathy in return. I’m SO sick of sob stories being weaponized for three minutes of fame. This misguided attempt at eliciting pity is as vain as the person singing it. You just tell listening to his own music makes Sheldon cry. I don’t really care WHO wins the subpar selection, as long as it’s not this theatre monstrosity.
Ps: if you’re going to wear glasses, why wear those glasses? I just don’t get it.” 1/10
Holly: “The first time I listened, it gave me goosebumps. Every subsequent listen, some more of the magic has died. That might actually work in Sheldon’s favour, as far as the results are concerned. His track record says he can turn it out live, so time will tell.” 6.5/10
Total: 18.5
Average: 4.6
Paulini – “We Are One”
Tyler: “”We Are One” is…one not very good song! I think the lyrics and the composition isn’t very original, and even if Paulini sings this well (eh, it’s not like this song was hard to sing though?), I’m just not entertained by this at all. This song feels like it should be a fun unity anthem, but ends up feeling like a “Soldiers of Love” B-side. The Lighthouse X version of course. This song is not it at all, and good luck with the performance!” 5.5/10
Roy: “This one feels a bit too old perhaps. Paulini’s vocals sound good and the overall vibe is quite nice and enjoyable. I do personally feel a bit of a disconnect with the chorus though. The choir is nice, but more often than not, choir’s don’t really work for me..” 5.5/10
Boris: “Lol this dated attempt at gospel schlager is almost charming enough to entice me. Last year’s Suured Tüdrukud certainly was a Good Old Time, but the charm of Dagmar and Kaire is unparalleled. Paulini is a question mark for me. Is she seriously trying to win a Eurovision NF with this? Perhaps she got lost on her way to Malta…” 6.5/10
Holly: “This would have eaten up in like 2007. The backing vocals definitely elevate the song to a serviceable place but it just feels dated. Three minutes that feel like twenty.” 5/10
Total: 22.5
Average: 5.6
Jaguar Jonze – “Little Fires”
Tyler: “I might be too harsh with this, as “Little Fires” is a perfectly competent song that seems capable of winning this national selection. Has a nice buildup to it, and seems like a good live performance can wow us. But I can’t help but compare this to “Rabbit Hole”, which while is more unpolished, is a grand gem. “Little Fires” is a SAFE song, and while Jaguar does a good job with this, I’m only whelmed with this entry.” 6/10
Roy: “It just takes a bit too long to get going. The first 2-ish minutes feel very basic and don’t overly excite me at all. Luckily, the final minute of the song more than makes up for it. I love the usage of silence just before the song hits harder and overall, this wouldn’t be that bad of a pick for Australia.” 7.5/10
Boris: “This is a woman who dislocated her shoulder during “Rabbit hole”. WHY is she back with something this toothless and bland? “Little fires” is a disappointingly conformist second attempt by an artist I considered ground-breaking and admirable the first time around. I still want her to win though, because anything (and I do mean *ANY* thing) that stops Sheldon cold I will begrudgingly support, but yikes. Hopefully Electric Fields don’t betray our trust this badly once *they* make their epic return.” 5.5/10
Holly: “The only act we have a direct comparison for, this is so lovely but it’s no “Rabbit Hole”. Jaguar is going to have to do something pretty spectacular to outdo a shoulder dislocation on stage to sell it. It definitely has a real moment in the last minute when the heavy guitars kick in but I wish the build was a little earlier.” 7/10
Total: 26
Average: 6.5
Isaiah Firebrace & Evie Irie – “When I’m With You”
Tyler: “Comparing “When I’m With You” to “Don’t Come Easy”, I very much prefer this new entry in the Isaiah ESC brand. It’s a different style, and I like to see that after five years away from the contest. I like Evie and Isaiah’s vocals, and while I’m not sure if the chemistry will be good for the live performance, the song itself is cute and I liked it! I don’t love this entry, though, as duets don’t do anything for me in the studio version, so the live will have to be good for me to appreciate this song even more.” 7.5/10
Roy: “This song is too much of a hot mess for me. A lot of things are clumsily happening through each other and the production doesn’t sound as clear and finished as a lot of other songs do. It might be a bit better live, but this song doesn’t work for me.” 3.5/10
Boris: “Isaiah and Evie lose me with the first note because I realllly dislike her voice lol <3 But don’t worry because the second half features Isaiah RAPPING??? Despite both of these cringe things, the song is also really boring on top of that. This makes “By Now” look amusing by comparison. (lol I almost typed “good” and then got a hold of myself) Yet another musical crime the Wordle Generation will have to answer for.” 3.5/10
Holly: “This one has me in the first verse. Give it to Evie as a solo and I’m sold. It’s quirky in a good way. As soon as Isaiah steps in with those ridiculous lyrics, it falls apart. Their voices don’t blend, the song doesn’t go anywhere, and the manufactured romance is gag-inducing. Is it bad I’m hoping for another meme-worthy vocal crack to make it memorable?” 4/10
Total: 18.5
Average: 4.6
Voyager – “Dreamer”
Tyler: “I don’t particularly care for “Dreamer”. The style of rock on display feels similar to stuff I listened to when I was younger, and instead of a sense of nostalgia, “Dreamer” made me think instead ‘Oh, I listened to this?’. Not to say that Voyager is bad of course and they’ve had a career over two decades now. But I just don’t like “Dreamer” as much as I want to, and the lyrics do nothing for me when listening. The music itself is solidly fine, and could be fun to watch too. I would stan the Western Australia representation though!” 6/10
Roy: “Winner, winner, winner! Not only is this rock-song the most unique and out there song in this selection, it is also a very uniquely structured song when you compare it to other Eurovision rock entries. The raw riffs in the chorus hit very hard and give you a nice contrast to the lead singer’s vocals. Easily Australia’s best decision to send to Turin in my eyes!” 9/10
Boris: “Voyager provide a lovely alternative to this endurance test of a national final with their progressive metal number. I didn’t like how subdued “Dreamer” was at first, but now I actually think their greatest stratagem. Usually metal always results in the lead screaming their voice hoarse in a nuclear unleashing of power. “Dreamer” by contrast deliberately keeps the tension alive and it retains my attention throughout. It makes for a refreshing entry in what has ultimately shaped up to be a subpar selection.” 8/10
Holly: “I’ve wanted Australia to send Parkway Drive or The Amity Affliction for years. I stand corrected. We needed metal, but Voyager is the answer. An immaculate fusion of metal and 80s synth pop, it’s catchy as all get out and I just KNOW they’re going to turn it out live.” 9/10
Total: 32
Average: 8
Jude York – “I Won’t Need To Dream”
Tyler: “”I Won’t Need to Dream” the entire way is a peace anthem done as if it was a Disney ballad. Which is fine, if I didn’t dislike the lyrics to this. The message is fine (even if we hear this almost every year), but I guess I don’t resonate at all with the concept of “I hope we can reach a place where I don’t need to dream anymore about it” which…no! Dreaming is good, there’s always something more to improve upon. At least it’s shorter, so that’s a plus, but yeah, I just don’t care for this song at all.” 5.5/10
Roy: “This song just feels a bit too much like a song from the Xfactor final that doesn’t end up winning the competition. I feel like I have heard a song like this numerous of times before. Jude’s vocals sound quite nice and if this is your thing, sure, go ahead and listen to it on repeat. I personally think Australia has better and more unique options for Eurovision though.” 4.5/10
Boris: “Jude is going for some introverted atmospheric ballad sort of thing, but it doesn’t really work. First of all, it already heavily competes with Charley whose song follows a similar structure (and this is definitely a case of two songs cancelling each other out. What were SBS thinking adding them BOTH in?) and like Charley’s, Jude’s features a meandering narrative that doesn’t go anywhere. Dreaming of a universe where one does not need to dream kind of defeats the purpose of dreaming, doesn’t it? Voyager would like to have a word about it, fam. The instrumentation however has the makings of a potentially immersive experience, so I would not be surprising if this song specifically wound up more compelling live.” 5/10
Holly: “Didirri’s little brother has a captivating voice. This sounds a little bit like two songs squished together, but each part is so beautiful that I don’t really mind. A dark horse that will do better than anyone expects, I think.” 7.5/10
Total: 22.5
Average: 5.6
As the top song for 3 of our 4 reviewers, the ESC United team have decided Voyager should be the Eurovision – Australia Decides champions! Only time will tell if we were right, so be sure to tune into the show here on Saturday at 8.30pm AEDT (10.30am CET) to see the results!
Do #YOU agree with our hot takes? Who do #YOU want to win Eurovision – Australia Decides? Let us know on social media @ESCUnited, on our discord, or on our forum page!
